Im not sure what I'm doing at this point. My world has completely flipped upside down. After my husband left he moved to another state and moved in with another woman... I  focused on my children only trying to get my life in some kind of order. Out of nowhere a friend of a friend started messaging me on facebook. I didn't know him and as we started talking I began to have growing feelings for him. He had a story similar to mine with a cheating ex who he always went back to. But he has come so far in his life and did it on his own with no support. I feel in love with his soul he has such an amazing heart. I moved back home to be with him and he's been my light in my darkest moments. I've never been treated the way he treats me I feel almost normal with him. I don't have the need to be defensive or guarded and I don't blow up... it's very new to me and most of the time I have no idea what or how to be. When I told him of my disorders he asked to to teach him how to be there for me.... what is that? He didn't run or freak out. In my serinity with him my ex has been playing with my head. He too moved back leaving the girl he was with and trying to get me back. He quit drinking and says the blame is on him and he'd never abandon me again. I've been through this so many times before and ran back each time. For the first time I knew what I wanted but feared I would meet it up as I always do. My ex says he knows me and he knows how to care for me and what to expect.  Says the guy I'm with now doesn't and will leave when he sees me for me. I feared I would one day forgive my ex and go back breaking the heart of the man I'm in love with. My head started going crazy with how I was messing up his life and how hell grow to hate me. I broke up with him and went back to my ex knowing that's what I deserve. I stayed one night with him and couldn't feel anything g good in his touch I wanted to hit him above all. He cried saying how he wanted to die without me and I felt nothing. I don't want him to hurt but I don't trust his words or tears. The next night I stayed alone crying thinking of what I did. The next day I told the man I love everything and I destroyed the way he looked at me. Destroyed the way he once loved me. We're trying to work on it and pull through but I fear I'm waiting for something that's not going to happen... but at least he's worth it. I can't say the same for myself.