First Entry

I've never kept a journal before but now seems like a good time to start. Life has not been kind to me in the last few years and certainly not how I pictured my life to be. A few years ago, I met a man who I thought was my soulmate. I couldn't picture my life without him. I poured my heart and soul and life into him. We ended up getting married on New Year's Eve 2009. And that's when I started to learn that I had made a huge mistake. He slowly started getting very possessive and monitoring my phone calls and texts, even to my own family. I started getting accused of cheating and was called a whore and slut. Then I started getting called worthless and being told that I should choke on my food and die or get in a car crash and die and just generally how I should be dead. Then the pushing and choking and getting my head slammed against the wall started. I never thought I would make it out of my marriage alive but somehow I did. I have been divorced for 2 years now and have full custody of our 2 beautiful, smart, happy, WONDERFUL children. Things had been going well the last couple years ( I still find myself looking over my shoulder, wondering when he will decide to come after me), until this past October. My beautiful, sweet, kind, generous ( I could go on for hours), grandma ended up in the hospital with a seemingly simple problem to fix in early October. She never made it out. She was called Home on October 22nd with her family by her side. Watching her fight to live, knowing I could do nothing to help her, was the hardest thing I have ever done. Knowing I will never see her walk through the door, or see her laugh or watch her love on my kids has killed me. I feel nothing inside but anger and overwhelming grief. I feel dead. Today it all came to a head. I ended up in the ER with severe dizziness and hot flashes and slurring my words. I was diagnosed with Vertigo and severe anxiety attacks combined. This is where my story ends for now. Until next time Journal!