I'm scared of myself. I cannot control myself. At work I am one person, a good person that everyone love, at home with my partner I'm the person that I hate. I'm so tired to be like this. He today said to me. You were not like this when I met you. You were a happy person. You are now obsessive and always on top of me. He is right but what about this is me and the person that he met was fake? Every time I open the door of my apartment where we live together I always think "I know one day soon he will leave me". And at the same time I hope he left me because I'm tired to hurt him, to annoy him because I'm a bad person, stupid, idiot, ignorant, I don't listen, i'm selfish and he would deserve better. He deserves to be happy and I cannot make him happy. I'm on top ofhim because I always want to make sure he is ok, well and he has everything he needs. If it was for me I would lock him in a glass room away from everything and I would serve him. This is not possible though nor logical. I live my love life thinking that I will make a mistake or I will say something stupid. I always ruin everything, I always have the worst idea if I ever have one. This is blinding me and he thinks, because it's what I show, that I don't care that I don't know anything about him. I know more than I believe about him. I'm going to a therapist and I like her very much but I think therapy is making me too aware and my brain is working now in a strange way. I have to go to work tomorrow morning (it's almost 10pm here now) and I don't want to. I usually love going to work but lately not. I'm tired and stressed and I would just love to sleep or disappear. I cannot disappear unfortunately. I keep beating my head and biting my arm. I need to stop this but I'm a bad person and someone needs to punish me. He said to me why are you like this only with me? Why aren't you like you are at work? Because I'm scared, I'm scared to loose him, I'm scared to do something or say something wrong, because I know he deserves someone better than me. I would die if he leaves me but I'm dying thinking that he is not happy. You see? Again, on top of him, I don't even allow him to make his own decisions. He loves me, I love him but I hate myself.