Day 5

Last night he came over. I begged and pleaded for him to try and work it out with me. I heard him say no a thousand times but I still begged. Eventually he said he would try. I asked him to come over today to try and work on us, to try to fix our family, to try anything. He said, "No, Tomorrow's free pool night at the bar." I was so caught up in my own hope that it didn't hit me until today. WHAT THE BLEEP? Free pool night at the bar is more important to him than me. Than our family. He'd rather drink and go to the bar than come home and really try. Do I deserve some one like that? Do I deserve to put myself through this over and over and over again. Do I need him that much? 
The answer is no, I've been so afraid to be alone. I've been so afraid of rejection that I let this boy (because that's what he is) tear down my self esteem. I let him damage my out look on the world. I let him make me hate myself. 
I'm hurting more than I could ever show. I'm in so much pain that I don't think I'll ever be okay, but gosh damn it I refuse to let him make me feel less than a game of pool.