Today
Well Amy,or babydoll as I am now calling myself in my constant self talk....you are not off to a banner start.
I am not sure how to even journal right now I am so emotionally exhausted. First person, 3rd person. Whatever.
I went to bed early last night after dinner. Had another rough night with my cat Stella who is apparently losing what little sense she has. She is a special ed case with sensory issues because of how she began life. I have rescued the darn thing twice. Now at night she attacks my hands and my hair, randomly. And that is with the dog laying right next to me and her on my little bed. I put her off and roll over but I would not know a sound's night sleep if it bit me in the ass.
I got an email from the STBX about utility bills I owe him for. I ignored it. Then he emailed ME in response to something I sent him a week ago. And the No Contact Rule has gone out the window. Dang it. I need a massive repair done here and he says he will do it. That was not the point of my email but that is one thing he mentioned. He wants to talk over the phone on Friday once he is done dealing with his dad's surgery.
He and I are both in a world of crap with our aging parents, and in my case also a 97 year old blind grandmother. I love his parents dearly and he feels the same about my family. I can easily take him out of the equation and reach out to his family and they respond. And he can do the same with my parents. My mom thinks he's the greatest thing since sliced bread. Ha!
Anyhow, I think I need to move closer to mom and dad, or just move in with them again and get this stuff all settled out. My parents are nearly 80. My dad insists on working 6 days a week. My mom is showing some signs of early dementia. They own two valuable pieces of property that are both chock full of STUFF. Some of it is trash, but mostly it has value. I don't think they have a clue what is ahead of them. Heads in the sand, as is normal.
I have always been the one, being the first born, to raise the hell with them.
The divorce will get done when it gets done. I might just stay married to him so I don't screw up and do it again.
I am not sure how to even journal right now I am so emotionally exhausted. First person, 3rd person. Whatever.
I went to bed early last night after dinner. Had another rough night with my cat Stella who is apparently losing what little sense she has. She is a special ed case with sensory issues because of how she began life. I have rescued the darn thing twice. Now at night she attacks my hands and my hair, randomly. And that is with the dog laying right next to me and her on my little bed. I put her off and roll over but I would not know a sound's night sleep if it bit me in the ass.
I got an email from the STBX about utility bills I owe him for. I ignored it. Then he emailed ME in response to something I sent him a week ago. And the No Contact Rule has gone out the window. Dang it. I need a massive repair done here and he says he will do it. That was not the point of my email but that is one thing he mentioned. He wants to talk over the phone on Friday once he is done dealing with his dad's surgery.
He and I are both in a world of crap with our aging parents, and in my case also a 97 year old blind grandmother. I love his parents dearly and he feels the same about my family. I can easily take him out of the equation and reach out to his family and they respond. And he can do the same with my parents. My mom thinks he's the greatest thing since sliced bread. Ha!
Anyhow, I think I need to move closer to mom and dad, or just move in with them again and get this stuff all settled out. My parents are nearly 80. My dad insists on working 6 days a week. My mom is showing some signs of early dementia. They own two valuable pieces of property that are both chock full of STUFF. Some of it is trash, but mostly it has value. I don't think they have a clue what is ahead of them. Heads in the sand, as is normal.
I have always been the one, being the first born, to raise the hell with them.
The divorce will get done when it gets done. I might just stay married to him so I don't screw up and do it again.
Replies
Lol Amy sounds like you got a full plate. I hear you about sleeping, I let my Cairn terrier sleep on the bed now (ex always kenneled them and left them outside..I have 2 daughter sleeps with the other one they are both over getting up there) but everytime I move by leg he snarls and yips and wakes me up. I dont know how youre sleeping but I guess my new wakeup time is anywhere between 3-5am, can never get back to sleep and figure its better to get up then lay there and let the dark thoughts take over. Getting married again..I hear you there. Cant see that for the life of me. Im gonna be 50 this year, and if I see another one of those \"Our Time.com\" commercials Im gonna shoot the tv haha. Hang in there, im actually feeling a little better overall, 4 months into breakup im hitting closure and moving on. Not all the way but the pain is subsiding a bit and I can have longer periods of not wallowing in grief. Good luck with the parents, my dad is on his third marriage to some women he hauled over from the Philippines and my mom is an alcoholic so they arent much help at this point. Thank God my daughter lives with me she has really been supportive. My ex rented a 2 bedroom apartment so my daughter could have a room there, but she really has no interest at her age to change up..I mean DUH. I told my ex a 2 bedroom was insane because of the added cost but she knows best. This whole situation is so bizarre and surreal. Thank God I gave up drinking or I wouldve seriously been in a mess. Good luck!
Amy, all will work out for you. I would recommend that you write a list of everything you can think of that needs to be done and then number it by priority. Once you have this list, it puts everything in perspective and it does not seem so overwhelming. I did this when my STBX first left us 4 months ago. Since then, I have had to revise the list because I am getting a lot of it done and my priorities have shifted.
I am like kbbcoop when it comes to sleep. I go to sleep at 9:30 or 10 and find myself awake at 4 or 5. In the past, I could sleep easily to 6. I am not as restrained as kbbcoop when it comes to physically getting out of the bed however. I allow my mind to wander on the \"what will happen at court\" or \"how will he handle me meeting someone\" scenarios. I have to discipline myself against that and like you, I constantly give myself pep talks throughout the day and even sometimes just verbally tell myself \"stop it and focus on what is important now\". My coworkers understand the mumbling. Lol.
In closing, do what you need to do to make your life better. If it involves moving in with your parents, then your life and their\'s will improve. Stay strong.
Kbbcoop,
I love that you have a cairn terriers. My mom used to have one and now that\'s a dog! Yes my plate is flipping full. And I am with you on the tv commercials, I actually just cancelled my tv connection because of what comcast was charging me. I was turning it on, getting disgusted and turning it off, such a waste of money.
I will be 54 next week and I feel like I am out of time and energy for BS. I feel like a warrior.
I go to sleep when it gets dark or not much later and get up with the birds, so to speak. Right now that feels rights. I stay in bed as long as I can, just because once I am up the dog and cats are up and want out and fed.
Vawmcole. the mumbling to oneself is something I do too much of but people are beginning to understand why I do it.
I have never lived alone till now. My kids are 22 and 26. I have always had someone with me. Now I don\'t and it is a huge adjustment.
Cooking for one, for example, and not wasting food is no fun and a challenge. I am not doing so well at that.
Thank you both for your responses. It means a lot to me and helps enormously.
Oh on the talking to yourself lol I do that ALL THE TIME I\'m having whole conversations with myself while I\'m sitting on my deck smoking like a chimney and chugging my non alcoholic beer. I don\'t give a rat if the neighbors think I\'m crazy either they can deal with it haha. Maybe I can score a monthly disability payment out of all this :)