Week 1

I have come to the conclusion that I need help to get myself through this.  As much bitterness and resentment I have towards my ex right now, in having to raise our 3 y/o son by myself and the loneliness at the holidays that I now must endure, I know I have to move on.  In the past 5 years we were married, I always told him how his addiction hurt me (us) and how said it made me.  My health has declined with depression and severe anxiety (due to the constant high alert I had to be on and the constant financial ruin). I feel like those years were all a lie. All the love I have to give is going to waste.  It was not by my choice to end this relationship, it was ulitimately his.  He chose the crack cocaine and alcohol over his family.  His selfishness and irresponsibility has cost me precious years of my life.  And now the cost has escalated to the loss in his son's life i.e. a strong, loving family unit, wonderful memories of his childhood, and the bond between father and son.  I now have to try to provide all of that to him, and unfortunately I cannot.  I am his mother, and every child needs to have 2 parents of opposite gender to fulfill all the needs emotionally, mentally, physically, and for his self esteem. That was God's perfect plan.  If he had spent an 1/8 of the time he did in lying, manipulating, stealing, and scheming to use crack on working the steps, getting a mentor, going to meetings, seeing a therapist, and trying new medications, I might feel like I really meant something to him.  But he never did.  We said we would work as a team, but unfortunately unbeknowest to me, he was always lying and defecting to the other side, and I was trying to do it myself.  He would whine and make it my fault that I was not "helping" him (i.e. doing it for him), when he was the only one that could help himself...that I cannot do it for him. He was always pointing the finger at me, like I was at fault, that I was to blame, that there was something I was doing wrong that caused his anger towards me everytime he would use and ruin everything.  Everytime I put up a boundry he would get angry at me.  I look back at all the abuse and the situations he put me in with the courts, children services, my ex husband, my parents, my job, my friends, my kids, my landlords, my creditors...etc, etc. I can't believe I couldn't see the toxicity of what was going on, and how it would never change.  But now, I am getting strong, not blaming myself anymore, and putting fault where it needs to stay.  I am not a whore, a bitch, a worthless mother, a horrible wife, a pathetic friend......those were all his words aimed at me, but mean nothing.  If anything I was more compassionate, understanding, supportive, helpful, and loving than he deserved.  I never lied to him, I never deceived him, and I certainly never played him like he did to me.  A man I went to school with has come through this week and given me money I so desperately needed for bills and groceries, completely out of the blue, appearing on my doorstep with $300 cash.  When I said a week ago that God would provide, He has....if another man needs to take care of my ex's responsibilities, than I will accept the gift.  God answers prayer and needs.  Obviously my ex has not been praying enough....he chose the drugs over me.  As he always did before.  So, I look to the future.  A future with a loving partner who does not lie, cheat, steal, and manipulate, and treats me the way I deserve. My ex says I could never find anyone else that does what he did for me...does he really think that little of me that he is all I deserved?  I am sorry to inform him that most marriages are loving, helpful, and healthy.  And that's what I am working towards attaining.  For me, and for my little blessings.