Had coffee with Brianna Sunday morning. The flowers were the last item on her list and now our baby is done with her wedding preparations. It seems it was just yesterday that she called to tell us that Alex had proposed. I keep asking myself how the year passed so quickly. I know that we were both so busy. For you it was working and traveling all the time, and for me it was work and school. Do you think we would have slowed down if we had known our time together was coming to an end? It is hard to say for we were both so driven.
The washer broke and I had it fixed. I actually patted myself on the back for taking charge of the situation by myself. I had no idea how dependent I was on you for even the simplest task. We had such well-defined roles. It retrospect I see that we were codependent on each other in many ways. If your dying has taught me one thing it is the need for independence I am steadily growing into the women who can not only endure the pain associated with intense grief but grow and concur the fears that come from being without the man I called husband, best friend and soul mate.
Nancy lost her father last week and I can see the pain of fresh grief in her eyes. I sympathize and remember how my greatest wish was to shut out the world and simply disappear into the dark which I had proclaimed as my new normal. The first week after your passing I could hardly get out of bed let alone take the brutal steps towards healing. I was angry, exhausted, and depressed. I simply was broken. I remember lying on the bedroom floor bagging God to give me just a glimmer of light through a dark and endless tunnel. I longed for nothing more than ability to laugh, smile and sleep without waking up in a panic after an hour of rest.
When looking back at the despair that I felt during those first two weeks I can see how far I have come. I still walk with intense grief, but I now know that I am healing. I can see more than a ray of light but at times an overwhelming brightness that at times takes my breath away. God has blessed with the tools that I need to deal with such an unimaginableable loss. I have found myself being lifted up by my friends, your friends and our friends. Our children have suddenly grown into the adults that we had imagined them to be. I have truly been blessed I feel at times that I am in a state of grace.
If I could have one wish it would be for you to be proud of me. If I could hear your voice one more time the words I would long to hear are “ well done. “ The next year will be a time of intense healing and dealing with the endless roller coaster of emotions that have laid claim to my very being. I will continue to rely on the kindness of others to find solace, and to show compassion to strangers. I promise to remain calm, watch my temper , and find beauty in simplicity. I will continue to live for both of us.
I love you.
Me
The washer broke and I had it fixed. I actually patted myself on the back for taking charge of the situation by myself. I had no idea how dependent I was on you for even the simplest task. We had such well-defined roles. It retrospect I see that we were codependent on each other in many ways. If your dying has taught me one thing it is the need for independence I am steadily growing into the women who can not only endure the pain associated with intense grief but grow and concur the fears that come from being without the man I called husband, best friend and soul mate.
Nancy lost her father last week and I can see the pain of fresh grief in her eyes. I sympathize and remember how my greatest wish was to shut out the world and simply disappear into the dark which I had proclaimed as my new normal. The first week after your passing I could hardly get out of bed let alone take the brutal steps towards healing. I was angry, exhausted, and depressed. I simply was broken. I remember lying on the bedroom floor bagging God to give me just a glimmer of light through a dark and endless tunnel. I longed for nothing more than ability to laugh, smile and sleep without waking up in a panic after an hour of rest.
When looking back at the despair that I felt during those first two weeks I can see how far I have come. I still walk with intense grief, but I now know that I am healing. I can see more than a ray of light but at times an overwhelming brightness that at times takes my breath away. God has blessed with the tools that I need to deal with such an unimaginableable loss. I have found myself being lifted up by my friends, your friends and our friends. Our children have suddenly grown into the adults that we had imagined them to be. I have truly been blessed I feel at times that I am in a state of grace.
If I could have one wish it would be for you to be proud of me. If I could hear your voice one more time the words I would long to hear are “ well done. “ The next year will be a time of intense healing and dealing with the endless roller coaster of emotions that have laid claim to my very being. I will continue to rely on the kindness of others to find solace, and to show compassion to strangers. I promise to remain calm, watch my temper , and find beauty in simplicity. I will continue to live for both of us.
I love you.
Me
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