My story

I met the love of my life over 5 years ago. We dated for a year a moved in together. After 3 years we got married. There were bumps in the road, but we always supported and loved each other, and made it through. Two months after our wedding he had a sexual encounter with a mutual friend of ours who had previously asked him to help her have a child. I said no because we do not have children of our own yet, but he did it anyway assuming my silence was agreement. This happened on Xmas night of last year. This encounter spiraled into a full blown emotional and possibly physical affair. I began to self destruct, shit test him, and push him away. I finally gave him an ultimatum; her or me. He ostensibly chose me and our marriage. We went to counseling and made little to no progress. Four months ago we argued and he became violent. He left the house and I investigated, finding out that he was still seeing and speaking with this woman. A few days later an old female friend came to town and needing a shoulder to cry on, I began an affair of my own with her. I was honest with him about it as we were separated and he was still seeing his mistress. I told him it was over for me. He became enraged and when I refused to allow him to move back or discontinue my affair, he became violent again. He called the police after we struggled, but they arrested him as the aggressor. He spent 48 hours in jail and yesterday was given 2 years probation and ordered to attend an abuser program. I broke off the relationship with the old friend to focus on my marriage and because I see it was ill advised. My husband and I spent over two months with no contact (court imposed) and during that time I realized that it is not over for me. I am still very much in love with him and want us both to get the help we need. During this time I was so distraught I attempted suicide. My mother and my friends began a watch, but he has no idea this happened. His mistress is also married and her spouse is dependent on her financially and will not object to them continuing to see each other. He spent Thanksgiving with them and their friends. I have since moved out of the home we shared and set up a new place on my own. He and I have been speaking recently, but only saw each other at court where he did not acknowledge me. Contact has been minimal. He is now saying that his mistress is only his friend, that our relationship ended when he slept with her and that that was my choice not his, and that he no longer trusts me enough to be with me. He says he loves me but he does not see a future for us. It hurts more than words can describe. My mother was here helping me move in to my new house, but she has just left and I feel completely alone. He is the love of my life, and I feel nothing right now but despair. I wish I could go back, I wish I could forgive and he could forgive. I know I could because losing him is the worst pain I have ever felt. I love him and I miss him so much. He said he has had to learn to live without me, and seems content in that. I don't know what to do.