Today, I'm thankful Love spoke to me.  And made eye contact, maybe for the first time in a week, without looking at me with absolute disgust.  I am thankful that he is maybe remembering that I'm a human, with feelings. He asked me if we had ever had an honest conversation. I am so confused right now, I can't even honestly say what my favorite color is, or where I want to meet my friend for lunch tomorrow, I don't think I know what honest is.  I don't have an answer for him.  I am trying to remember honest moments, but I am so devastated by losing Love through my own stupid, deliberate choices, I can't remember hardly anything.  Or the things I do remember are so tainted with my lies, I can't see how to detangle them. I want to have been better, I want to have never done half the things I have, but I can't. I can't take any of it back. All I can do is focus on my actions right now. And right now, I hate myself.  I hate myself because I chose this hell. I fucking designed it. I accepted everything from Love. He chose to move here, to center his life around me, to work his ass off at something that makes him miserable, all so he could give me the things he thought I wanted, the life I convinced him I wanted. And I took it all from him, he offered up his everything, and I accepted it, and I threw it away.  I stole it from him by deception, I spit on it, and now I've thrown it away, as though it was nothing. He asked me how I could be so cruel. I can see how I did this to myself, I've never deserved Love's offering. I just don't know how I could have done this to him.
I'm not even supposed to be thinking about this. I'm supposed to be focusing on my "higher soul" the parts of me that aren't defined by this terrible thing that I've done. But I am filthy with my deceit. I have poisoned and tainted every good thing about myself, to the point where even I don't know who I am.