Happy Friday! Here`s a few jokes to start your weekend.
Signs Your Cat May Be Trying To Kill You

 

Seems mighty chummy with the dog all of a sudden. He actually *does* have your tongue. You find a stash of "Feline of Fortune" magazines behind the couch. Cyanide pawprints all over the house. You wake up to find a bird's head in your bed. As the wind blows over the grassy knoll in downtown Dallas, you get a faint whiff of catnip. Droppings in litter box spell out "REDRUM." Catch him with a new mohawk looking in the mirror saying, "Mew looking at me? Mew looking at me?" Takes attentive notes every time "Itchy and Scratchy" are on. You find blueprints for a Rube Goldgerg device that starts with a mouse chased into a hole and ends with flaming oil dumped on your bed. Has taken a sudden interest in the wood chipper. Instead of dead birds, leaves cartons of Marlboros on your doorstep. Ball of yarn playfully tied into a hangman's noose. You find a piece of paper labelled "MY WIL" which says "LEEV AWL 2 KAT." Now sharpens claws on your car's brake lines.

 

OLD IS WHEN ..........

OLD IS WHEN...Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love," and
you answer, "Honey, I can't do both!"

OLD IS WHEN...Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and
you're barefoot.

OLD IS WHEN...A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the
garage door.

OLD IS WHEN...Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

OLD IS WHEN...You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you
don't have to go along.

OLD IS WHEN...You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of the
police.

OLD IS WHEN..."Getting a little action" means I don't need to take any
fiber today.

OLD IS WHEN..."Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.

OLD IS WHEN...An "all nighter" means not getting up to pee!