It's been a bad day for me. I don't know what comes over me at times. I think it's stress and major anxiety. But I have these uncontrollable rages of anger. It scares me because it reminds me of the times that Matt went nuts like I did today. I'm glad he's not here to see me blow up. I talked to a cousin of mine today that said more than likely, if I want to initiate the divorce, I'll be the one responsible for paying for it. That sucks big time. I want a divorce because of all the hurt and pain he's caused me. I can't live like that anymore. And I don't see him as a loving, caring man. He's not the man I married. He's so delusional about people and his circumstances. I think he brings on his own bad luck. I can't even fix my own car. And he's spending money left and right to perk his own car up and not even helping me with mine. It's all ME, ME, ME, with him. I feel like I'm losing my mind, esp. today. Maybe I should just relax until it's been six months that he's been gone, and keep in touch with him so he can send me money to help me with bills and put more aside for my needs. I feel bad in a way about that, but on the other hand, he still needs to support me. I am still his wife. At least he could make an attempt to support me for a few months, compared to all the months he had not supported either one of us. My cousin asked me if I pray. I pray all the time. I just get so discouraged so easily. I can help others but I can't seem to keep myself going some days.