Well, thought I'd write an update as to the latest and greatest that has been happening in my life.  This is definitely a Summer I will remember for a VERY long time.  I've learned alot about myself - and a part of me has been brought out that I thought had died (and to never return) a long time ago.  Never thought I'd get it back - but it's back - and it's truly amazing.  The feeling of anticipation, and looking forward to things - to feel love and to give it - to find peace (when my anxiety allows it) and true inner happiness - something so foreign - yet something that is truly wonderful.I could write a book as to how my Summer has unfolded.  I look back to the beginning and never in a million years did I think I'd find myself where I am right now.  Things between us have blossomed and flourished beyond my wildest dreams.  Honestly, I never knew I was capable of TRULY feeling the feelings that I have for him.  I've loved before - not saying that I haven't.  But this....this is different.  To feel such a connection and closeness to someone is amazing, scary, euphoric, terrifying.....and yet so comfortable....until my anxiety acts up.  As each day/week/month goes by I discover more about him...and about myself and I feel so at peace when I'm with him.  He accepts me for me.  He doesn't judge me, nothing.  See, I've worn a mask for so long and have  portrayed who I am as to how I felt someone would want me to be.  I wasn't true to me - to be me - and to allow others to see me for me - and accept it.  Basically, I've lived my life for everyone else - and molded myself or conformed to go with the flow and not rock the boat.  I went into this being me completely.   And he loves me for ME.  He accepts my flaws/faults, etc.  He truly thinks I'm wonderful!  And he really means it.  And I guess it amazes me that someone could actually think that about the true me.  I guess it's part of the layer of the "onion".  The many things that make up who we are...who we become.  The many layers of our lives that form us in who we are today.  My demons/insecurities will forever haunt me - but if I learn to face them head on instead of letting them get the best of me - I will perservere.  I do deserve to be happy.  I'm not a bad person for thinking of myself and my happiness.  It's ok to think of myself and not feel awful for doing so.  I need to learn to stop the self-doubt I have for myself.  My feeling of self-worth, my self esteem.  I'm learning to accept myself for who I am - and that it's ok for me to be happy and to want to without feeling that who in their right mind would want to.  I guess it's the demon of yesteryear - feeling like I was never good enough - and having to try/do better in order to feel accepted - and even then - trying my best - still felt I wasn't good enough.  I'm peeling a layer little by little - slowly exposing myself - to try and not feel vulnerable - to let myself feel - and to be happy. We've been very open with each other - shared alot, learned alot.   Spent a long weekend together last weekend 4 days 3 nights.  We've grown so close - learned alot about each other.  It's so scary - and at times I feel as though I'm sabotaging myself.  I get so overwhelmed at times - feeling so happy and then freaking out that I need to stop feeling this because I'm setting myself up for a MAJOR heartbreak.  I know without a doubt that he truly loves me....and you know what I love him just as much.  It's scary - talking about the fall, holidays, next summer.  We've actually talked about going to Myrtle Beach next summer.....we've actually talked about RV'ing across the country when we retire.  I mean WOW ok....yet the thought of doing that together I can totally see it.  I really can.  We share alot of common interests, values, beliefs (even though he is a conservative! lol).  I was driving on the turnpike the other day - commuting to work.  Traffic was backed up quite a ways at the tollbooth.  Everyone was on a mission.  As I looked around I noticed this camper with an Arizona license plate.  Inside was a couple - I'd say they were in their 60's.  They were each enjoying an apple and were talking and laughing.  I just sat there and watched them while waiting in that huge traffic jam.  They looked like the world was shut out around them and were alone in the midst of madness.  Totally carefree - life is good additude.  I want that in the end.  After I've paid my dues in the rat race - and jump off that gerbil wheel - I want to be that couple.  I would love to be sharing an apple and a smile with him.  The simple things in life can be so simple - yet so meaningful.  We forget along the way what's really really important.  And what you will take with you.  And the one thing to me will be memories.  I want to make them, and I want to take them with me.  I still have a way to go before I retire - but I'm discovering that I'm looking ahead - instead of looking back like I use to.  And still live for today and make memories.  I can't change yesteryear, but I can focus on here and now and what's to become.Well.....I've rambled quite a bit.  I hope all is well with each and every one of you.  I think of all of you alot without a doubt....and I thank you for being there for me through all the darkness that was hovering over me.  I truly would not be where I am today had I not had the care and support from all of you.  For you all and DS I'm truly forever greatful.   You have no idea how important you've been to me.   Love to all xoxoLisa

Replies

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deleted_user

wow, lisa, u really touched me.. good stuff.. u are deserving.. and glad u both found each other.. what a blessing.. hugs.. dinz
deleted_user
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Ah jeez...I hope it\'s not too late for me. I like Sebastiano BUT feel burnt out...believe nothing last (life experience for me). I am so very, very happy for you though. Enjoy your dance...hope it goes on and on. Love, Rita
deleted_user
deleted_user

That was so nice. I am so thrilled for you and its about time you realize that you deserve all the good things that are coming your way. You have come so far and I have a feeling that the rainbow is looking pretty good from where you\'re sitting. God bless, Kim
deleted_user
deleted_user

Lisa, Your story about the elderly couple was simply amazing, I could see them there, stck in traffic, smiling at each other, sharing a laugh, eating their lovely red apples. Now I can picture it is you and your man enjoying your own retirement. Way to go!!!
deleted_user
deleted_user

Talk about inspirational stories. WOW. So cool--just reading your story creates a warm glow. Living it you must be blissed out! Wonderful things happen to wonderful people; I would think your dues are paid and you might want to think about changing your screen name. You are very wise from where I stand. Best thoughts and wishes!
deleted_user
deleted_user

So sweet... many warm wishes for you...
deleted_user
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glad u found someone 2 b happy with.............jeanna
deleted_user
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It is something so special you have found and I have know doubt that you are very deserving of you Self discovery can be enlightening and even shocking at times as though we finally get it
Love and hugs to you my friend
Jan