Hi all - Well I know I've been a total stranger on here - and I want to thank everyone for their hugs, messages, etc.  I feel awful for not being around - but I've been so busy with life.  I start my new job (my 3rd job) this Monday coming up.  I'll be doing that Monday - Thurs. - still doing real estate and still waitressing twice a month.  The kids are home for the summer and also squeezing Dave in hehe.  So needless to say haven't had alot of time to myself - hence the reason why I haven't been on DS. 

Life is good....At times I feel so guilty for feeling this way - but it is.  I mean I lost my mom 3 weeks ago today....I had to put my dog down last week....she was 16 - my "first born".....was so difficult to do.  But her quality of life wasn't there anymore.  She was going blind, deaf, couldn't eat crunchies, but would throw up the canned.  Her legs were failing her with arthritis, so I felt it was the right thing to do for her.  She wasn't living the quality of life she deserved - and felt she was hanging on for us - but I could see she was suffering - and it wasn't fair to her. 

As I said I feel guilty though for feeling good about life.  Things with Dave are GREAT.  We spent the past weekend together - both of us completely kid free.  I cooked us dinner...so great to cook "grown up" food.  He definitely appreciated.  It made me feel good.  I love cooking and haven't done it in a long time (real food), and it felt good to prepare it and enjoy/share it with someone.  Hung out Sat night (had a sleep over!!! ) Spent Sunday looking at my new listing which he's doing the clean out for (an estate), and basically the contents are being "tossed".  I got a stereo (my ex took ours), an umbrella for my patio table and he's putting together a tool set for me so I can have a basic set.  There's quite a bit of stuff at the house - and I'm sure he'll make out quite well on the resale of stuff.  Furniture, some beautiful pieces, etc.  And he's getting paid to remove it all.  They aren't keeping anything.  Not a bad deal.  Anyways, we went to an open house that I looked at for a client.  Went and had lunch at a little out of the way place and sat outside and enjoyed the weather.  Took a nice drive...it was a fantastic weekend.  I felt really alive and felt happy.....haven't felt that in such a long time...especially it being reciprocated.  But I feel guilty at times for feeling happy when there's been alot of sadness going on in my life as well.  We've been friends for a long time, but we started dating about 2 weeks before my Mom passed away.  Makes you wonder about the whole "things happen for a reason".  He came into my life for a reason.  Was discussing this with Storm, and even though my Mom had Alzheimers and didn't recognize me anymore, makes you wonder if she's looking down now and is happy that I'm happy. 

I still have my down moments about my losses that I've had - but this past weekend I felt so good and so happy - that when the weekend was over - I sat and pondered and thought that it was awful for me not to be feeling sad.  It's weird - I know my Mom wouldn't want me to be depressed - I know that - just that I feel I should be mourning her death - not that I'm not - just that there's so much new and exciting things happening in my life.  I miss my Mom, I miss my dog Sunshine.  But, I guess it's a part of life that we all must endure - most of us anyways.  The loss of a parent - something I couldn't comprehend until it happened to me.  I've had friends lose parents and couldn't understand/imagine the loss - but knew that one day I would be walking in their shoes.  I visit my Mom's grave at least once a week - whenever I'm in that neck of the woods.  I let her know what's going on in my life - more so than I did when she was alive.  She wouldn't understand or could relate to the happenings in my life.  She was old enough to be my grandmother - and was very religious and old world.  As odd as it sounds - I feel like I'm closer to her now - because I talk to her and tell her everything - I guess maybe because I know she wouldn't look at me like I"m nuts and be upset with my decisions.  Not that my decisions are bad/wrong - just she never believed in divorce and that you stayed married til you died no matter how bad it was.  That's why I waited to leave my marriage as long as I had.  I knew it would have killed her disappointed her and couldn't bear to do that.  She had Alzeimers - had no idea - my Dad is disappointed - but for some reason I can accept that more than I could from my Mom. 

Anyways, that's what's going on in my world at the moment. I hope all of you are hanging on and making the most of today.  I do miss you all and thank God everyday for all of you who have been there for me during such hard times in my life and just plain old being there for me.  It's so amazing to me how supportive you can be - and I feel awful that I haven't been able to be there for you all.  Know that you are all in my thoughts and prayers.  Unfortunately, I don't see myself being able to hop on DS consistently - at least not throughout the Summer while the kids are home and adding this new job. 

Gosh, I can't get over all the changes in my life in the last year and how I feel like I'm starting to see a light of somekind.....a glimmer of hope and how good it feels....to have purpose - to have a drive to do things again - to "feel" again - to look forward to things - just to feel alive again....It's so foreign.  I think back to this past winter and how depressed and low I was - and I look at here and now and how things are good - yes I'm still struggling - but there's hope - a hope for a better tomorrow.  I pray I can keep feeling this way.  I guess my Mom's passing really made me look at life and how precious it is, and that each day is a gift - and that you can't take that gift for granted.  It's like the song "live like you were dieing" by Tim Mcraw....that song speaks so much truth.  If you haven't heard it before - I suggest you do.  It puts life into perspective.  I guess alot of things do. 

I hope you are all enjoying the sunshine - and even though I'm not around - you're in my thoughts and my hopes for you to have a bright today and a brighter tomorrow....xoxo

Peace

Lisa :)