I feel so tormented from within.  My "demons" are trying to surface and I'm having a hard time fighting back.  I've been so anxious.  Just so much going on right now.  Took my Dad to the cemetary to visit my Mom.  The kids came too.  We went and visited other family members.  It was actually a good history/geneology lesson for my kids.  They have a better understanding of where they came from.  We have a cemetary that abuts our property - separated by woods.  The kids and I have gone up there and walked around.  We live in New England - so there are alot of old graves dating back to the 1700's.   Went back to my sister's house and wrote up all the thank you cards.  It took almost 3 hours.  For whatever it's worth - just having gone through it myself - if you're leaving a sympathy card please write your address somewhere.  There are a couple of people who we have no address for.  Googled, phone book, etc.  My mom knew alot of people and alot of the names I didn't recognize.  I have alot going on at work.  Crossing my fingers that things are starting to click.  I also heard back from the merchandising job - had a phone interview - went really well.  So he said to be patient and I should have a start date in a week or two.  So that's great news.....Then there's D - I'm so scared that it's causing me anxiety....I over analyze EVERYTHING.  I'm my own worst enemy.  Why is that?  Why do I worry about everything I do and what the outcome will be?  Why can't I just enjoy right here right now?  Why must I doubt myself?  There's a part of me that just wants to call it quits because I'm so scared.  I just feel really vulnerable.  He's really an awesome person.  I'm just soooooo scared.  I have alot going on right now - and I so enjoy spending time with him.  I look forward to seeing him.....Like I said in yesterday's journal he came over with some asparagus and the roses he cut from his garden (which smell so nice :) )  and so I had to run out and grab some milk for the kids in teh morning.  I had called him earlier in the day when I was getting fresh picked strawberries - but he didn't need a whole quart because they would go bad before the weekend....but was looking forward to some this weekend....anyways I went to get milk and stopped by his house and left some strawberries from my quart in a bag - just because I knew he wanted some - just not a whole quart....after I dropped them off with a note (I knew he was going to give an estimate on a job and wasn't home) I headed home and I'm overwhelmed with anxiety over how that was taken....I know I'm nuts - it's hard to explain - but I overanalyze EVERYTHING like I stated above.  I wanted to do it - it felt right - but ugh I guess I'm just so scared of this stupid other shoe!  Why can't I allow myself to just "go with the flow"?!?!?   It seriously stresses me out.  As much as I enjoy spending time with him - it scares me this "US" thing - I'm afraid to allow myself to get closer - out of fear of failure.  It's safer that way.  Yet I really enjoy being with him.  He's really an awesome guy.  I mean we never lack for conversation.  I thought I talked alot! LOL   But I love that.   That definitely is a turn on.   It's just so nice to have someone who is supportive.  I will never forget my very first house sale and closing the deal and how excited and proud I was - and he turned and said to me (he's in sales too) Well I guess  you're just better than me already - He was such a downer.  It was like a competition.  Instead of being happy - he was so negative.   When I talk with D about work (and he does the same) he's so enthusiastic about it - it's really a good thing - just I"M SOOOOOOO SCARED!!!!  That it causes me major anxiety.  Tusti I will take your advice on the affirmation.  I need to finda way to find inner calm/peace.   I find breathing techniques help.  Anyways, thanks for listening and Happy Friday to you all xoxo