Hi all...Haven't been on much lately.  Just feeling blah.  It's like "peaks and valleys"....I almost feel guilty when my mind stops for a moment and remembers my Mom.  Just have so much going on.  I miss her = still can't believe it.  Kids are home from school for the summer.  Day 2 and all I can say is "Calgon take me away"  j/k....kinda - they're good, just alot going on.  Going over my sisters tomorrow to write out thank you cards.  Stopped by there yesterday to drop off the plants and cards from the funeral home.  Trying to drum up work...so many leads, just everyone's going on vacation or holidays, etc.  that they're waiting for a bit. 

I was thinking about what has transpired in the past year of my life.  Such a whirlwind.  This time last year I was 3 months into real estate, basically living opposite shifts in the house with my ex.  If he was here I wasn't and vice versa.  How miserable a time in my life it was.  I feel like I've aged alot in the last year.  The sad part is, it's still going on with my ex.  I think he will be forever bitter.  I just want him to find someone to make him happy.  I wish he could see that he wasn't truly happy.  How could he have been if I wasn't?  And who am I to make him or anyone else change to conform to me?   That's one thing I will take out of this...it's that you can't change anyone.  You either have to accept certain faults - no one's perfect - or move on.  Can't settle for less.  I want to feel truly happy with someone.  I knew with my ex years ago that we were oil and vinegar - but for the sake of the kids, my parents (the devout Catholics) I had to hold on, even though I was depressed - and didn't even realize it at the time.  I had to hold on for everyone else, but myself.  If that makes me selfish and a bad person - so be it.   Sorry, I guess I'm feeling a tinge of guilt I guess.  I feel I've disrupted lives and dynamics so much.  

I've been feeling really anxious lately.   Prior to my mom's death I was starting to feel "alive" again.  I was starting to actually look forward to things - to care about my environment - I felt like I was starting to have a purpose.  D has helped me come out of my shell - and I really appreciate it.  I'm just so afraid - scared because it's too good to be true.  I'm waiting for that shoe to drop.  Yet I do believe in his sincerity.  He is genuine.  It's the little things that can mean so much.  He stopped by with some asparagus (my daughter loves it) from his garden and he cut some roses from his bush and put them in a vase and gave them to me.  How sweet is that?  He's just very considerate - and I'm so not use to that.  Someone that actually thinks of others first!  My ex always thought of himself first - seriously.   It makes me happy to make someone else happy.  It's such a good feeling.  I enjoy doing for someone.  I do miss that.

I hope you are all doing well.  I'm sorry I'm not writing back or hugging - I just have alot going on right now - especially with the kids being home for the summer.    I miss you guys ALOT!  You have been such a rock to me - you raise my spirit - and for that I thank you!