I've been wanting to write for the last few days - but have been busy with family and normal everyday stuff in life - and I just couldn't put down all the feelings I was going through/having.  It's still so hard to believe that my Mom is gone.

It didn't really hit me until last Friday (the day of the wake) when I had finally finished all the prep work for the funeral and nothing else needed to be done - and I was done tieing up loose ends with work.  I remember driving to CVS to get some stuff I needed when I sat in the middle of an isle and "lost it".  I had finally allowed myself to grieve - and from that point until Sunday I pretty much cried non-stop.  I was a total mess at the funeral.  It was so hard to say goodbye and to let her go.   It was the hardest thing I've ever done in my life.  As much as my Mom drove me nuts with religion (and cramming it down my throat), and being from different generations (she's old enough to be my grandmother), it was still the hardest thing - and so unbearable to face.    She had a large turnout.  I was amazed by all the people that showed up - and people telling me how they knew her - and the stories that they shared.  It was like a part of my Mom that I never knew existed.  My Dad had a hard time.  Between walking, and his heart - he worries me alot.  They were together for 64 years.  I've had people tell me (in a nice way) that when a couple has been together for that many years - the other person ends up dieing of a broken heart.   I can't go through this again - I realize I will have to one day (My dad is going to be 86 on the 20th) - but I don't think I have the strength mentally and emotionally to go through it. 

I went back to work yesterday.  That was difficult.  Alot of firsts will cross my path.  Went to the funeral home yesterday to get the rest of the items left behind (pictures, mass cards, etc.) and to pay for the funeral.  Now, we have thank you cards to write.  We're getting together on Friday to do that.

I went to the cemetary on Sunday morning to visit my Mom and make peace with her/me.  I explained to her that although I didn't agree with some of the things she "preached" - I will continue with the traditions she did with me and my siblings.  I asked her to guide me in raising my kids - and to help me be strong. 

D went to the wake - he's been so supportive.  Truly amazing.  He met some of my siblings.  Talk about overwhelming.  Meeting your girlfriend's family at their Mother's wake!  But he did.  He came dressed in a suit (I must say he looked mighty fine :) ) and we went outside so I could have a cigerette - and he sat and held my hand and comforted me.  I swear things happen for a reason sometimes.   He couldn't have come into my life at a better time.   He would have gone through the wake and the funeral if I had asked him to - but I needed to be there for my Dad and sister - and we haven't been "together" for very long.  As he said - it would have been different if we were dating for 6 months - instead of barely 2 weeks.  But told me he would be there for me if I wanted him to.

And of course - my ex - too good to be true.  Although he went with me to the wake a few minutes earlier with our kids so that they could pay their respects - and sent a beautiful arrangement from him and the kids - he has been nothing but an asshole since Saturday evening!  I buried my Mom on Saturday.  Had the after ceremony get together at the restaurant.  I was so numb.  Pretty much sat in the corner until I could leave.  Went to my sister's to say my good byes to some of my siblings and headed home.   D came over about 8 or so to be with me.  He told me that he was there for me - but understood if I had family obligations.  Well, I just wanted to go home and told him that it would be great if he came over.  He and I sat and talked about the events of the week - and then just about "stuff" in life and he helped me focus on something other than the sadness - which I appreciated so much!  Well, my ex called me up about 10:30 that night and said "Am I interrupting anything?" And I said "well I have company" and he said gruffly "FINE" and hung up.  He immediately calls back and rants "Tell D that I will be seeking him out in the next 2 days to have a chat with him"  I was like WTF are you kidding me?  I just buried my Mom today and you're going to cause me stress and grief?  I was totally stupified!  I can't believe what a self-absorbed rotten prick he is.....seriously!  He has been harrassing me since then.  He called 10 times in the morning yesterday with hang ups or leaving nasty messages (which I have saved)...in one of the messages he said "I know you're in a foul mood...."  I was irrate!  A foul mood?!?!?!  Oh, so now the tables are turned and some how this is my fault!!!  I've been walking on eggshells - like I need this right now!  He called in the afternoon yesterday - and left a message saying "I'll be at Boy Scouts tonight" - I just am/was floored by his behavior.  So I called him adn said well if you're going to Scouts you should pick our son up along the way - since you're going.  I called him to the carpet.  I don't think that was the response he was expecting.  I'm sure he was thinking I was going to beg him not to go.  But if he wants to embarrass himself and his son by creating a scene then so be it....what can I do?  Well, let's just say he was shocked by me telling him sure go for it.  he was like well I don't know if I can, etc.   I told D that he might show up - just to give him a head's up.  And he's like it's ok - not a problem.  I'll be happy to talk with him, etc.   I keep apologizing for my ex's behavior - and D keeps say stop saying you're sorry - it's not you or your fault.  But I still feel horrible about the situation.  I just want some peace!  So now I have my ex to contend with.  I just never realized how much of an asshole he could be.  I've lost ALOT of respect for him for what he's done.  Calling and ranting and harrassing me on the day I buried my mother was such a shock.  I still can't believe he had the nerve to pull that!

Well, today's the last day of school for my kids - half day - and then they're here for the next 10 weeks!  Yippee! NOT! LOL  No, it's not bad - just one more thing to juggle.

Again, I just want to thank all of you for being so supportive at such a difficult time in my life.  I wish I had the time to individually thank you all - but it would be impossible.  You know who you are - and what you mean to me.  And I am here for you as well.     I love you all xoxo

Lisa