Well today is my mother's wake.  It's from 5-8 p.m. this evening.  I've been busy with final details.  Last night we put together collages of pictures.  Had to coordinate with all my siblings for photos.  Told them on Tuesday to start going through photos that they would want to share in the collage.  Well I called one of my brothers last night to see if he had any - and his wife answered (she handles all that stuff) and I said well do you have any?  And she was like "Oh, I haven't even looked yet"  I was rather upset.  That's ALL they have to do and yet hadn't done it yet.  I was like look, no offense, but I don't want to be doing this Friday during the day - there's other things I need to do on Friday other than putting together collages.  She's like "Oh, well I'll try to get it done"  Are you fucking kidding me?  You'll try?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!  Um, gee sorry to inconvenience you!  She did show up with 3 pictures!!!!  We have 3 collage boards and she showed up with 3 pics.  I said fine TYVM and finished it up.  I have to say it looks great.  We sat and reminisced as we went through the pictures (Me and my 2 siblings that I do like).  I know that sounds awful, but what's the old saying "You can choose your friends, but you can't choose your family"  Ain't that the truth!!!!I was up yesterday at 6 and got my kids off to school like normal.  Went to my hair appt.  (was scheduled for Monday, but rescheduled it), had a work appt. and then an appt. with the funeral home at 11.  The plan was I was going to my sisters to bring my Dad to the bank - as he had to do some $ transferring to pay for everything.   So, the plan was we were all to meet at my sisters at noon so we could go through pcitures, etc.  Well i got to my sisters and my Dad decided he wanted to get a new suit.  He has suits, but wanted a new one - and told my sister that when his time comes he'll have his suit.  *Sighs* as difficult as that it to hear, I think it's finally sinking in seeing me do all this running, planning, that he needs to do the same.   So, my sister was like the boys (2 of my brothers) can take him to get the suit and while they're out they can take him to do his banking.  My dad has a hard time walking (he needs knee replacements, but his heart isn't strong enough to get the surgeries, he's going to be 86).  So I said it makes sense because that way he doesn't have to get in and out of the car so many times.  So I called my brother who lives around the corner and said we're all here, you need to bring Dad to get a suit.  I pretty much woke him up (he's single and has had the whole week off from work).  He said he'd be there in a few minutes.  Well, I was writing out the deposit/transfer slips for the bank and reviewing/estimating all the expenses so far and my brother shows up and said "LIsa, you don't need to explain all this to him, just do it"  I said yes I do, it's his $!  My Dad had a stroke about 6 years ago and although he's fine, when he gets nervous he gets confused, understandably so.  So, it took a little longer to explain things to my Dad.  So we finally square away and they're going to take my Dad and my brother turns around to me and says "I don't know why you didn't just take him earlier"   I WENT OFF!!!!!!  I said SO SORRY, I had to go to the funeral home to make final arrangements and had running to do AND get the kids off to school, etc.   I didn't have the luxury to sleep in until 11:30 and get my ass out of bed.   OMG I saw red.....Gee am I the only child my parents had?  WTF!  Let's just say the room grew quiet and so did he.  What balls?  He's been off work all week and has no kids, just him.  Give me a break!!!!!!!!  I was so pissed.  I swear I know my blood pressure has been sky high this week.    It's borderline already - but I know it's been off the charts this week.  I can feel it.  It's really sad.  I sit and think that once my Dad goes - pretty much my family will all go their separate ways.  Yes, I'm close to a couple of them....but I'll put $ on it that we won't even get together for Christmas Eve (the one time of year we all get together, the local ones anyways), and that basically such a huge family will dismantle.  It makes me sad.  I don't know what happened along the way to come to this point.  I feel bad for my kids because they won't have the opportunity to know their family.  I feel bad because this is not something my Mom would have wanted.  She was the glue that kept us together, and I can already see it falling apart.I'm stressed about the wake today, because I know for a fact that one of my brothers will show up shitfaced so that he can show emotion.  I just feel like I'm hanging by a thread.  I've allowed myself to breakdown in tears twice.  Once being yesterday.  When I went to the funeral home I asked if I could see my Mom.  My Mom never wore make up a day in her life - not even blush!  Let me tell you - for a woman that was 83 she had less wrinkles than I do.  Makes sense I guess.  No tugging on your skin like when you apply make up.  But my sister was very concerned they were going to overdo her make up - even though we requested minimal.  Well, I didn't want her showing up and being upset today that they put too much on.  I have to say they did an excellent job.   And I let my sister know that she looked good and not "made up".  I realize that we're all on edge this week, and that we all grieve in our own way.  I just wish I had more of an opportunity to do so.  I just haven't had teh time to.  I guess I will tonight at the wake - then again = maybe not.   There's going to be a huge turnout - huge family we have - and so many friends, extended family will be there.  At times I still can't beleive it.  I just feel like I'm going through the motions right now - and it hasn't completely sunk in yet.  Well, I need to get my kids going.  Thanks for listening and for all of your thoughts, etc.  It's going to be a rough next couple days.  I hope I have the strength to go through it.  It's tough, I don't have anyone to "lean on".   I mean Mr. Mom has been great and he's going tonight, but he's not going "to be there", if that makes sense.   It'll be ok though, my sister and my Dad will need me.  I need to stay strong until tomorrow - and then it will probably hit me when I get home tomorrow night and the house will be quiet, no kids, etc.   Maybe then I'll be able to reflect.  Love you all xoxo