Well, woke up this morning and am feeling "blah". Usually, for me, I wake up feeling pretty good - and as the day progresses it either stays that way or takes a turn to either a good one or a bad one.
I feel that today I'm really going to have to struggle to make it a good one. I just feel this - I can't even describe what the feeling is - just know it's not a good one that's within me. I feel sad - and I don't know why - but I do. I guess reality just kicks you in the ass from time to time - and today I guess it feels the need to kick my ass - or try to anyways.
I guess it's also just that - facing reality - some days it feels really good to - others not so good. I just wish I had a purpose - I'm not saying I don't - I have my kids, etc. What I mean is I feel that my whole life is in such a state of limbo right now - that I have no firm ground on anything - and some days it's so overwhelming. Yet, I'm so afraid to face the things I need to face. I need to file for divorce - been needing to since January (I told him I would wait until after the holidays) and it's now May. I'm screwing myself over on child support - and struggling. He just moved back in with his dad - and all he has to worry about is a car payment everymonth. He just bought a new car last month - While I drive my 8 year old car. I like my car no biggie - but I still have 7 payments left. So I struggle with alot of bills - and now face the fact that I have nothing on the books and am trying to hustle. It's so scary. If it were just me I had to worry about - it wouldn't be nearly as bad. It's the fact that I have my children - and i need to be strong - and be able to provide for them. Last summer was so rotten for them - all of us. My ex and I were "the zit that was exploding" we did absolutely nothign with the kids - and I vowed that I would try and make it up to them this summer. Well they have about 3 weeks of school left - and they'll be home. Which means higher food bill - more sitter costs, etc. And with gas at 3 bucks a gallon - don't know how much we'll be doing this summer.
I can't juggle now - how am I going to when they're home. I wonder if I'm strong enough to pull this off - raising my children and being able to survive - and not sink. I just have to do what I can - and pray that it works. Things find a way of working out - and you know when I was with my ex - the same scenario was there - I guess what's different is I'm doing it alone now - instead of struggling with someone else.
I know we all have our whoas - we all struggle. Just doing it "on my own" is the difference right now. It's still new. And on top of it all I'm trying to figure out myself and "fix" me. It's that whole juggling thing. I guess what I'm saying is I'm not good at multitasking when it comes to my life. If I could just focus on one thing it would be cake! But it's not the case! So how does one focus on each piece of the pie and make progress?
I'm keeping the mask off - but boy - it's so hard keeping it off. I keep looking at it - the "comfort" of it - but I realize that it won't solve anything....Just a part of the process of acceptance I guess. And part of learning about life and healing and facing things - instead of avoiding them.
I feel that today I'm really going to have to struggle to make it a good one. I just feel this - I can't even describe what the feeling is - just know it's not a good one that's within me. I feel sad - and I don't know why - but I do. I guess reality just kicks you in the ass from time to time - and today I guess it feels the need to kick my ass - or try to anyways.
I guess it's also just that - facing reality - some days it feels really good to - others not so good. I just wish I had a purpose - I'm not saying I don't - I have my kids, etc. What I mean is I feel that my whole life is in such a state of limbo right now - that I have no firm ground on anything - and some days it's so overwhelming. Yet, I'm so afraid to face the things I need to face. I need to file for divorce - been needing to since January (I told him I would wait until after the holidays) and it's now May. I'm screwing myself over on child support - and struggling. He just moved back in with his dad - and all he has to worry about is a car payment everymonth. He just bought a new car last month - While I drive my 8 year old car. I like my car no biggie - but I still have 7 payments left. So I struggle with alot of bills - and now face the fact that I have nothing on the books and am trying to hustle. It's so scary. If it were just me I had to worry about - it wouldn't be nearly as bad. It's the fact that I have my children - and i need to be strong - and be able to provide for them. Last summer was so rotten for them - all of us. My ex and I were "the zit that was exploding" we did absolutely nothign with the kids - and I vowed that I would try and make it up to them this summer. Well they have about 3 weeks of school left - and they'll be home. Which means higher food bill - more sitter costs, etc. And with gas at 3 bucks a gallon - don't know how much we'll be doing this summer.
I can't juggle now - how am I going to when they're home. I wonder if I'm strong enough to pull this off - raising my children and being able to survive - and not sink. I just have to do what I can - and pray that it works. Things find a way of working out - and you know when I was with my ex - the same scenario was there - I guess what's different is I'm doing it alone now - instead of struggling with someone else.
I know we all have our whoas - we all struggle. Just doing it "on my own" is the difference right now. It's still new. And on top of it all I'm trying to figure out myself and "fix" me. It's that whole juggling thing. I guess what I'm saying is I'm not good at multitasking when it comes to my life. If I could just focus on one thing it would be cake! But it's not the case! So how does one focus on each piece of the pie and make progress?
I'm keeping the mask off - but boy - it's so hard keeping it off. I keep looking at it - the "comfort" of it - but I realize that it won't solve anything....Just a part of the process of acceptance I guess. And part of learning about life and healing and facing things - instead of avoiding them.
Replies
I realize that I am making progress in the fact that I\'m acknowledging things - instead of ignoring them. I also realize that it took me almost 39 years to get to the point of acknowledgement - I guess I just want a quick fix - instant gratification. It would be so much easier - but would be as rewarding?
How does one eat a whole elephant? One bite at a time! This is my motto and I am slowly getting things done. You can do it. For a cheap vacation with the kids, come to my backyard, now known as Schmanekland! I\'ll even throw in a tent- Ha Ha!
Hi Lisa,
To much on your plate.Are you in any therapy or group. There is definitly help to be had that dos\'ent cost. I know there are groups around for single parents and they can be a wonderful course of comfort and support
Try as best you can to take a day at a time so you don\'t catastophize.
If to much is thrown into the pot all at once we can\'t possibly handle it all.
If we look only at today it becomes manageable.
The kids can have little projects to do when they are home, many can\'t afford vacations and there are parks and zoos many thigs to do without money and perhaps it is a good lesson for them and their character building. We don\'t always have money to blow.
god dos\'ent close one door without opening another.
God Bless you
You are a loving, caring Mom
Hide and seek is a fun game and costs nothing
Be good to YOU, you deserve it
Love Jan
First and foremost you deserve a pat on the back for all you are and have been doing. Second, just keep putting one foot in front of the other, one step at a time, one issue at a time. Try to commit to completing some small task each day. It will definitely make a difference and you\'ll gain more and more confidence in your own abilities. I don\'t know where you live but near me there are lots of parks with beaches and other activities that are very low cost or free during the week. Also, get the kids involved with some sort of group, that way you can participate in the group activites that are usually trips to amusement parks and the like, at a huge reduction in cost.
Just know that you have Daily Strength to vent on. I also found another really great website called Sober Circle which is like a my space for people in recovery. I have really come to depend on the support and friendship I get at all of these sites. You will be in my prayers.
First and foremost you deserve a pat on the back for all you are and have been doing. Second, just keep putting one foot in front of the other, one step at a time, one issue at a time. Try to commit to completing some small task each day. It will definitely make a difference and you\'ll gain more and more confidence in your own abilities. I don\'t know where you live but near me there are lots of parks with beaches and other activities that are very low cost or free during the week. Also, get the kids involved with some sort of group, that way you can participate in the group activites that are usually trips to amusement parks and the like, at a huge reduction in cost.
Just know that you have Daily Strength to vent on. I also found another really great website called Sober Circle which is like a my space for people in recovery. I have really come to depend on the support and friendship I get at all of these sites. You will be in my prayers.
Easy girl - ONE DAY AT A TIME. Rita
I can totally relate to how you feel, sometimes I don\'t even want to get out of bed. I try not to let it get the best of me. But hey, life is what it is, sometimes you\'re the windshield, sometimes you\'re the bug. Got to accept that and muddle through those days as best you can. Remember, we are all here for you as you have been for us.
Try to focus on one task at a time, I understand how life just gets overwhelming and insurmountable. And give yourself kudos for even the smallest of achievements, especially on your down days. Start working on you divorce/support issues; the hardest part of any job is getting started. But once you do things will seem to roll a little smoother, especially once you get money rolling in. Conquer one anxiety at a time. Eyes on the prize!