Another day just about done. Had an ok day - I feel the "pretending" creeping up in me - I can't explain it...just that to the outside world "all is well" but inside I feel my insides churning with the sadness I feel within. I've had so many milestones - like last night for example - I actually called the my old friend from highschool (I wrote about it in the comment area on yesterday's journal - i know some of you inquired about it - so instead retyping it all - you can check it out :) )...and although that made me feel good that I found the courage to do it - it was such a short lived feeling...I can't explain it. I guess I just feel "meloncholy"...I don't know.
I mean I had a good day today. My daughter and I had a girls' night out - just her and I. We went to the Steaming Tender. It's been open for a couple years now - but haven't had the opportunity to check it out. I thought it would be somewhere different - to make it even more special. It's an old restored train depot - absolutely beautiful. They have photos of the trains and stuff - original photos dating back to the 1800's - Calvin Coolidge, Jenny Lind, Teddy Roosevelt and other well knowns have traveled through. So there's abit of history there - which was neat. They had alot of things from back in the day. There was a beautiful buggy - my daughter got to sit in it - she thought it was the coolest. There was a "shoe shining" area - just like they had days long ago. We had a 1/2 hour wait - so we sat outside and we got to sit on the buggy :) Checked out the train - etc. A train heading to Boston went by - it was great living through her eyes. I'm glad we decided to go there - and I think she was too. We sat down to have dinner and we ordered our drinks. When the drinks arrived - my daughter raised her glass and said "Happy Mudder's Day Mommy" - it brought tears to my eyes - she's such a beautiful spirit - she really is - so genuine - so innocent.
We finished dinner - and came home and played "makeover"...I don't know where this girl gets it from - but she's the ULTIMATE girly girl! LOL Something her mom is not! She puts Barbie to shame LOL...So I let her put pony tails all through my hair - and we put on some "make up" - *smiles* it felt good - It was nice to spend some quality time one on one with her. We had some icecream then untangled my hair lol - and washed off the clown faces lol I'm letting her sleep in my bed tonight (treat) - layed with her - and I let her know how much fun I had today. It felt good.
And the thing is as much as so many things have made me feel good - I still feel monotone. It's like a part me of has forgotten how to "feel"...I can't explain it - but I wish I didn't feel it.
Anyways....thanks for stoppin in :)
I mean I had a good day today. My daughter and I had a girls' night out - just her and I. We went to the Steaming Tender. It's been open for a couple years now - but haven't had the opportunity to check it out. I thought it would be somewhere different - to make it even more special. It's an old restored train depot - absolutely beautiful. They have photos of the trains and stuff - original photos dating back to the 1800's - Calvin Coolidge, Jenny Lind, Teddy Roosevelt and other well knowns have traveled through. So there's abit of history there - which was neat. They had alot of things from back in the day. There was a beautiful buggy - my daughter got to sit in it - she thought it was the coolest. There was a "shoe shining" area - just like they had days long ago. We had a 1/2 hour wait - so we sat outside and we got to sit on the buggy :) Checked out the train - etc. A train heading to Boston went by - it was great living through her eyes. I'm glad we decided to go there - and I think she was too. We sat down to have dinner and we ordered our drinks. When the drinks arrived - my daughter raised her glass and said "Happy Mudder's Day Mommy" - it brought tears to my eyes - she's such a beautiful spirit - she really is - so genuine - so innocent.
We finished dinner - and came home and played "makeover"...I don't know where this girl gets it from - but she's the ULTIMATE girly girl! LOL Something her mom is not! She puts Barbie to shame LOL...So I let her put pony tails all through my hair - and we put on some "make up" - *smiles* it felt good - It was nice to spend some quality time one on one with her. We had some icecream then untangled my hair lol - and washed off the clown faces lol I'm letting her sleep in my bed tonight (treat) - layed with her - and I let her know how much fun I had today. It felt good.
And the thing is as much as so many things have made me feel good - I still feel monotone. It's like a part me of has forgotten how to "feel"...I can't explain it - but I wish I didn't feel it.
Anyways....thanks for stoppin in :)
Replies
((((hugs)))) How ironic that you mentioned \"clown face\" in your journal. Something what we hide behind at times huh? I wish it was that easy to just wipe it off. lol
I wish I could better understand myself. I mean I can totally \"see\" I shouldn\'t be this way - yet I can\'t change how I feel. I feel like the little zoloft pill (the sad pill in the AD commercials) is inside of me. I know it doesn\'t belong there - but it\'s there - and I can\'t shake it - and it frustrates me to be ME.
I feel like that about my daughter also. I worried long and hard the entire time I was away that all the stuff we used to do together was all in the past. I was so very wrong, thankfully. Isn\'t it ironic that at some point in our lives our children gain far more insight than us! My sister, who has no children, has showered by children with attention and $$$gifts trying to in them over. Well, my through conversation and actions both of my children have re-affirmed that they feel that the relationship/friendship that we share is not only unique but one that only WE will share. I am so happy for you sweetie and I wish you a blessed Mother\'s Day
I know exactly what you mean. No feeling, dull, (monotone). Zombie like. That\'s how I was forever and ever. I am just starting to see glimpses of change and feelings. Only in the last 2 weeks since I changed to cymbalta. I still have monotone, but Im starting to feel. In my journal today I tried to explain how I felt happy yesterday, and it was uncomfortable and weird. I wrote how I wanted to almost ruin it cuz it was foreign. Its hard to explain. But I think it\'s happiness and feelings. I have been monotone my whole entire life. Maybe u should try cymbalta?! U could quit if u hate it. You are supposed to give it a month to get over weird newness feelings of it, and 3 weeks to completely kick in. It worked faster for me cuz I was on another kimd 4ever, so it just kicked in sooner. Im sorry u feel this, and I do too, but if we keep on the road of recovery, we may get better, and FEEL all the time. Love u
Your journal reminded me of times with both of my daughters when they were little ones!! And often--as much as I absolutely CHERISHED the time--I did the fake it to make it so much to the outside world!! I think I robbed myself of many things going so long faking it to make it!!(still a demon) Lisa--YOU are so FULL Of life beneath that numbness! Many are drawn to you!! I totally understand how you feel!!
Love ya girl!!!! Ridin\' the roller coaster together!! Hold hands!! HUGS!!!
You do know that there is a world of drugs out there. I was on zoloft 10+ years ago, it took away my depression, but all I wanted to do was sleep (aside from work.) Talk to whomever prescribes your psych meds and see what alternative there are. The world of psychiatric medicine is still very new. I have a very close friend who has a Ph.D. in psychology, she flys around the world interviewing drs and their experiences with new meds. There is so much out there, you just need to break the surface. As your other friends have said, we all can see the beauty in your persona. You have baggage as we all do. But you are YOUNG! We are here to help you get out of this funk! I understand that you have to take the good days with the bad, but it sounds like you had a good day yesterday. Cherish that, they grow up too quickly.
BTW, it sounds like your daughter may be a \"girlie girl\" (what\'s wrong with that anyway?) but she has your compassionate heart.
XOXO
Mike
you can cherish that time you spent with your daughter 4-ever & so can she.