Last Fall
I keep going back to day's of yesteryear - a time where I felt so good. Putting aside everything that's transpired - I still think of that time - and how good it was. It saddens me at times.
Initially when I joined DS - I joined to seek knowledge about depression - and at the point not even realizing I was suffering from it myself. I was trying to understand everything I could about it because my friend was suffering from it. I've known him for almost 2 years - it wasn't until Sept. that it became romantic. He was fine then. He had suffered depression when he was in his 20's - and it returned full fledged right before Thanksgiving. But before that happened I got to know the "real D" without the depression. I miss him alot. It's hard letting go of yesteryear sometimes. I went through such a dark time during the holidays between dealing with alot of firsts and also because my friend was suffereing so badly. I didn't understand it - what he was/is going through. A part of me still doesn't. I can see that people deal with depression in so many different ways. Most stay inside their shell and never come out - others can remove themselves from their shells at times. Some (like the people on DS) seek others out who understand what they're going through. It's a big step coming here - it's admitting there is a problem - and taking the step to try and get better. I've discovered alot in the 2 1/2 months I've been here. I feel like I've grown in that I'm not letting his illness consume me. That's where my codependency comes in. I let what he was going through consume my life. I was/am going through so much in my own life - and I neglected that to try and "fix" his. Well, I realize that no one can fix anyone. It has to come from within. I was the one who always called to make sure he was ok, etc., and because I loved him - and still do.
I started backing off a couple of months ago in calling, etc. I mean I was contantly sending him cards, calling, etc. to help cheer him up....hping to make it better...but it didn't work. All I wanted was to return to last fall - to see him again...he hadn't been able to because of his depression. It hurt so much that he couldn't/can't see me. I would cry thinking that I wasn't good enough, etc. I let the shoe go on the other foot. I had to for my own sanity sake - and my life and my kids' lives. I stopped calling. There was a period I didn't hear form him at all. But, he started calling again like he use to. He tells me he's still really depressed - I believe him - as I can hear him fighting back the tears in his voice. I understand now. He's opened up alot (for him) and can share with me that he's having a bad day, etc. He called me the other day as I was journaling - and to my surprise - he never thought of doing it. His therapist never suggested it to him. I was amazed by that. I mean that's one of the basics your therapist would suggest no? And he being in the medical field - you would think he would have thought of it...anyways...I'm going to send him a journal. Don't know if he'll use it or not. I told him it has helped me immensely - and he sounded like it would be something he would do - just never thought about.
Bottom line - who knows if I'll ever have last fall again - but if I can help him through the long and winding road - I will. First and foremost he is a dear friend that I never want to lose.
Right now I need to focus on me and my kids. But, I also will help my friends whenever needed. I know that we all have rough times - and I'm there for each and every one of my friends....just like they have been for me.
I know he's on vacation the rest of this week and next week - and I'm not upset at all that he didn't initiate plans to see me. I'm really ok with it. Right now I need to work on me - and he needs to do the same. Who knows what tomorrow will bring - all we can do is focus on today - and making it better.
I keep going back to day's of yesteryear - a time where I felt so good. Putting aside everything that's transpired - I still think of that time - and how good it was. It saddens me at times.
Initially when I joined DS - I joined to seek knowledge about depression - and at the point not even realizing I was suffering from it myself. I was trying to understand everything I could about it because my friend was suffering from it. I've known him for almost 2 years - it wasn't until Sept. that it became romantic. He was fine then. He had suffered depression when he was in his 20's - and it returned full fledged right before Thanksgiving. But before that happened I got to know the "real D" without the depression. I miss him alot. It's hard letting go of yesteryear sometimes. I went through such a dark time during the holidays between dealing with alot of firsts and also because my friend was suffereing so badly. I didn't understand it - what he was/is going through. A part of me still doesn't. I can see that people deal with depression in so many different ways. Most stay inside their shell and never come out - others can remove themselves from their shells at times. Some (like the people on DS) seek others out who understand what they're going through. It's a big step coming here - it's admitting there is a problem - and taking the step to try and get better. I've discovered alot in the 2 1/2 months I've been here. I feel like I've grown in that I'm not letting his illness consume me. That's where my codependency comes in. I let what he was going through consume my life. I was/am going through so much in my own life - and I neglected that to try and "fix" his. Well, I realize that no one can fix anyone. It has to come from within. I was the one who always called to make sure he was ok, etc., and because I loved him - and still do.
I started backing off a couple of months ago in calling, etc. I mean I was contantly sending him cards, calling, etc. to help cheer him up....hping to make it better...but it didn't work. All I wanted was to return to last fall - to see him again...he hadn't been able to because of his depression. It hurt so much that he couldn't/can't see me. I would cry thinking that I wasn't good enough, etc. I let the shoe go on the other foot. I had to for my own sanity sake - and my life and my kids' lives. I stopped calling. There was a period I didn't hear form him at all. But, he started calling again like he use to. He tells me he's still really depressed - I believe him - as I can hear him fighting back the tears in his voice. I understand now. He's opened up alot (for him) and can share with me that he's having a bad day, etc. He called me the other day as I was journaling - and to my surprise - he never thought of doing it. His therapist never suggested it to him. I was amazed by that. I mean that's one of the basics your therapist would suggest no? And he being in the medical field - you would think he would have thought of it...anyways...I'm going to send him a journal. Don't know if he'll use it or not. I told him it has helped me immensely - and he sounded like it would be something he would do - just never thought about.
Bottom line - who knows if I'll ever have last fall again - but if I can help him through the long and winding road - I will. First and foremost he is a dear friend that I never want to lose.
Right now I need to focus on me and my kids. But, I also will help my friends whenever needed. I know that we all have rough times - and I'm there for each and every one of my friends....just like they have been for me.
I know he's on vacation the rest of this week and next week - and I'm not upset at all that he didn't initiate plans to see me. I'm really ok with it. Right now I need to work on me - and he needs to do the same. Who knows what tomorrow will bring - all we can do is focus on today - and making it better.
Replies
You sound pretty grounded. I\'m happy you are at this point. I hope things get better from within you. You are a good mom and a good friend. Love Nichole
Thank you...
Just remember SK....friendships last forever. :o)
Rita
Im so proud of you! What a great way to take this situation on. You really needed the clairity and you got it before you got sucked down into a bad spot! He is incapable of \"loving\" (friend or romanicaly) you at this point because his illness sounds like it has taken over temporarily. You are being a good friend for helping, hopefully he will come back to the person you knew last fall! :)
It\'s gotten easier - I still think of last Fall - but I realize that I need to focus on here and now. That\'s all I can do. Wishing for something that was once upon a time is pointless - if it\'s meant to be - it will be. Some days are easier than others. It\'s hard because I\'m so lonely at times. I miss what we had.
Boy I sure wish I had had your inner strength about 9 years ago. I lost my dad due to a drug overdose ultimately caused by severe depression. I spent way to many years second guessing myself, feeling guilty for all the could of, should of\'s. I became addicted to the narcotic pain medications I was taking for multiple surgeries because they enabled me to function, to put on the fake smile and appear happy. I\'m good today, no make that great...and I plan on staying that way by focusing on me and my recovery first. I can\'t be a mom, wife, daughter, etc unless I am healthy and happy. I miss my dad everyday, but I know that the smile he longed to have while here on earth will be ever present in heaven because he knows his daughter will be okay.