Day is Done - Gone the Sun

Well...I don't know where to begin - as so many different things happen in a day. My life is like a filing cabinet. I have so many different files that I need to handle in a day.

I know that when I awoke this morning I layed in bed for a couple minutes before having to get up and get the kids ready for school. And in that time - I layed there taking in all that has been going on in my life. I had a brief chat with myself and said "You need to do this" - this meaning taking off the mask and exposing myself - not pretending - but being my true self. Sounds great in theory. No, I'm not giving up. I'm just saying that boy, it's so much more easier said than done.

I got my kids off to school and decided to write my morning entry as I had my coffee. I decided to stay home today from work. If ever there was a day where the meaning "mental health day" comes into play - it was definitely today. I was/still am mentally exhausted. Not only do I decide I need to do this - which is what I want - don't get me wrong - but how can I possibly add something else to my plate to fix/have to deal with. I mean I've taken on a new career, new marital status, trying to provide and raise my children the best that I can - which I feel like I'm failing them miserably - and now I'm adding "defining me" to the plate.

I realize that I need to do this so that I can be a better parent/person - it's just that I need to focus on everything else. I'm barely making ends meet. I received my phone bill, my electric is overdue, have to make my car payment, and the list goes on and on. I have my commission check I just received yesterday from my closing. That will barely cover me - and I have my tax refund that came today - which is great, but I have nothing else slated to come in. The market is so unstable right now (I'm a Realtor), and although I have buyers - everything on the market is either crap, over priced or out of their range. I should be out in full force hustling - I mean yes I do alot from home - but I should be out in the world networking, etc. I just have no desire to be with people - putting on the mask if that makes sense.

Anyways, my kids and I had tacos for dinner tonight. My son was happy - he even thanked me for dinner!!! He'll be 13 in October. He's entering that "lovely" stage lol...figuring out who you are/are becoming...He wears that shag thing that all the guys are wearing...if it were my parents he would never be sporting it - but he's trying to gain his identity - and if that's the worst then I'm ahead of the game. I need to keep our lines of communication open. I see the hurt in his eyes sometimes. He reminds me so much of myself. He holds on to things instead of letting them out. But inside I know he's hurting for what's been going on in our lives - and it hurts me too. He's a big reason why I need to get myself together. I don't want history to repeat itself.

Then there's my daughter - who will be turning 6 on the 26th. She is an old soul. I'm truly convinced. I swear she was my mother in another lifetime LOL I know that she is young - and when parents split and the child is younger it's easier on them...so they say. But I know she misses her Dad immensely. And it breaks my heart to hear her cry when he leaves after dropping them off after their 24 hour visit. Sure, he calls them, but they miss him - they need him in their lives. Anyways, the reason why I'm doing what I'm doing (not pretending) is because of her. I want her to know how to rely on herself, be independent and be healthy. I hope to be able to show her these things - and teach her how to have a healthy happy relationship with herself and with whomever she unites with in life. Staying in my situation with my ex would have taught her all the things I learned growing up....I don't want that for my children - and that's the road we were on.

I realize I have a very long road ahead. It will definitely be a struggle and will probably be the hardest thing I've done in my life. I really don't have a support network. My family is dysfunctional and scattered - I live in town with no family or close friends. My stbx lives about 40 minutes away now. I do feel very alone at times.

Anyways...I can see I've rambled quite a bit...I'm going to do some reading and hit the hay if my mind allows me to.

Thanks for stopping by....good night.