New Day
Bad day - bad weekend....It's Monday morning - and I sit here absorbing all the dark thoughts that I have/had within me. I'm trying to release them - as what I hold within myself does me no good. I lashed out in my journal entries....funny how I blame my folks for who I am now...I never understood how people did that. My additude was "get over it" we all have had some type of scarring from our childhood - that there's nothing we can do about it now, etc....and here I sat reliving the past within my mind.
Anyways...today is a new day. I sat and wallowed in my own self-pity, and it was wasted energy. I understand that we need to do this from time to time...I guess it's part of the healing process? I've discovered that I need to be true to myself. I'm now adding to my list of "ailments" co-dependency. I never really understood what the term meant until I received a comment in my journal from a kind soul named Laney. I read her journal entries - and some of them were so haunting to me. It was as if she had entered my mind/soul and pulled out all those things within me. It was a real eye opener. I always say that things/scenarios happen for a reason - and there was a reason why she chose to comment on my entry...and for that I am greatful.
I've decided that I'm going to continue to stay on the "not pretending" bandwagon. But by doing so, I'm going to have to face myself - and all my issues and try and resolve them...or at least acknowledge them and hopefully one day feel complete in who I am. I feel I have such a long road ahead of me. I mean it took me 38 (soon to be 39) years to figure this out - I can't expect any miracles overnight. I need to be true to myself in order to heal. That also begins by being upfront and completely honest with my therapist. I've been so use to pretending in all aspects of my life - that I even pretend with my therapist...yes...sad but true. I need to be ok with issues within me that bother me - and try and accept them.
The long road ahead frightens me. Actually, it scares the shit out of me, to be perfectly honest. I want to feel better about myself - I just don't know if I have the strength within me to learn to heal - and learn to be me completely...and to be comfortable with whoever "I" am.
I was going to start out my journal entry with an apology for being down with myself, etc. But, I decided not to, because it's how I felt - and I shouldn't be sorry for what I feel. It's ok that I haven't had good days. There's nothing more that I want than to feel "good" about me...and I pray that on this journey that I take of self-discovery - that I will find that goodness - and that I'll be ok with me. I'm sure I'm going to do alot of stumbling - and that it will be ok. It wasn't easy getting to this point - I know it won't be easy getting to the point where I need to be.
Bad day - bad weekend....It's Monday morning - and I sit here absorbing all the dark thoughts that I have/had within me. I'm trying to release them - as what I hold within myself does me no good. I lashed out in my journal entries....funny how I blame my folks for who I am now...I never understood how people did that. My additude was "get over it" we all have had some type of scarring from our childhood - that there's nothing we can do about it now, etc....and here I sat reliving the past within my mind.
Anyways...today is a new day. I sat and wallowed in my own self-pity, and it was wasted energy. I understand that we need to do this from time to time...I guess it's part of the healing process? I've discovered that I need to be true to myself. I'm now adding to my list of "ailments" co-dependency. I never really understood what the term meant until I received a comment in my journal from a kind soul named Laney. I read her journal entries - and some of them were so haunting to me. It was as if she had entered my mind/soul and pulled out all those things within me. It was a real eye opener. I always say that things/scenarios happen for a reason - and there was a reason why she chose to comment on my entry...and for that I am greatful.
I've decided that I'm going to continue to stay on the "not pretending" bandwagon. But by doing so, I'm going to have to face myself - and all my issues and try and resolve them...or at least acknowledge them and hopefully one day feel complete in who I am. I feel I have such a long road ahead of me. I mean it took me 38 (soon to be 39) years to figure this out - I can't expect any miracles overnight. I need to be true to myself in order to heal. That also begins by being upfront and completely honest with my therapist. I've been so use to pretending in all aspects of my life - that I even pretend with my therapist...yes...sad but true. I need to be ok with issues within me that bother me - and try and accept them.
The long road ahead frightens me. Actually, it scares the shit out of me, to be perfectly honest. I want to feel better about myself - I just don't know if I have the strength within me to learn to heal - and learn to be me completely...and to be comfortable with whoever "I" am.
I was going to start out my journal entry with an apology for being down with myself, etc. But, I decided not to, because it's how I felt - and I shouldn't be sorry for what I feel. It's ok that I haven't had good days. There's nothing more that I want than to feel "good" about me...and I pray that on this journey that I take of self-discovery - that I will find that goodness - and that I'll be ok with me. I'm sure I'm going to do alot of stumbling - and that it will be ok. It wasn't easy getting to this point - I know it won't be easy getting to the point where I need to be.
Replies
yo are doing the right thing.you have to be honest and you have to heal. therapy does not help unless you show your cards. be honest ,grieve and allow yourself time to heal.remeber to forgive ypurself for being human advice i should also follow.
It is a scarey road trying to figure out who we are. It makes me feel to opened to more, and very vulnerable. But I guess, since it\'s a part of healing and reovery, we have to feel the pain. No pain, no gain. So it\'s unavoidable to get where we need to be. A term my mom always said, that I hate the truth of it, \"The only way around, Is Through!\"
I think you\'ve tackled the roughest part of your journey. You\'ve now admitted to yourself that you have alot of work to do as far as totally healing. Now it\'s all uphill, with the odd bump in the road. Think of those bumps as \"temporary setbacks\". With every bump, you get stronger and become more aware of why you hit it. Once you get past the \"be honest with myself\" bump, you\'re going to find it easier to continue. If you ever need a hiking partner, just let me know :o)
True. Facing ourselves can be a hard and scary thing, but truth is the path. Especially when dealing with so many external changes, it makes it even harder to deal with the internal ones. And remember, life is a journey, not a destination; when we stop learning they plant us six feet deep.
First off know this, God doesn\'t make junk and that the divine truth of this life is that he has a Purpose for each and every one of us. I\'ve been reading the book \"The Purpose Driven Life\" and it has really helped me find insight and hope for my own life. Everyone in this world has their own truth to face, some prefer not to look into that mirror. But by doing so, and being completely honest we will move to the next step of our journey. Do you have any idea how much you have helped others by simply posting that journal entry? When we are hurting the most and feel we\'re at a crossroads, unable to decide which path to take, that is when reaching down deep and finding the strength to reach out and help another is crucial. It not only helps the other person but it reminds us that the world does not revolve around us. Trust me, the blessings will come in abundance. In the meantime know that we\'re here for you and that you will never be alone, \"If God brings you to it, He will get you through it.
hi - u sound like me so much -I am at the same point in mife u are -finally realizing that i need to look hard at myself and change many things about me - its gonna be a long road for both of us and I would love for us to do it together - I am always here to vent to - trust me I will vent back so please dont feel bad about it - getting ur feelings out helps it may hurt inside but it helps -
Also Laney is a wonderful friend to have I am fairly new to this site and she has been such an incredible help, support and friend...
I hope I help her also and I hope to help u and many others/...
there are some great people on this site- I feel lucky to have found it...
Michelle