Pretending
I'm tired of pretending to be someone who everyone else wants me to be. It's what I've done my whole life. I've never been good enough as being "me" - to anyone. Why can't anyone accept/love me for who I am. Why must I always try and mold myself into what others want me to be. I finally try to let myself be me - and say screw it - take me as I am - I am me. Yet it's never good enough. It never is. Everyone says there is someone out there for everyone - yet I truly don't believe that exists for me - not unless I pretend to be someone I'm not. I'm tired of pretending. I've done it for so long - yet when I quit pretending - what you see you do not like.
I always tried to be what everyone wanted - my parents, my ex, my friends - but as soon as I tried to be "me" it wasn't good enough. I'm a failure to my parents - my ex thinks I'm evil - my friends don't understand me....no one does...why? Because I am who I am - and that not good enough - maybe I'm better off pretending....I did it for so long - I was use to it- and it didn't rock the boat....and people liked the "pretend version" so much better. I need to come to terms as to what I need to do for everyone else - because for me - I'll never be good enough to anyone else....unless I pretend.
I don't know why I can't be accepted for who I am. My parents (My dad anyways, my mom doesn't even know who I am...she has Alzheimers) thinks I'm a fool for making the decision to divorce - it's my fault - and shame on me. As far as he's concerned my ex is a nice guy because he was respectful to him...guess what he was far from respectful to ME...but that doesn't count or matter in the realm of things does it? Because, in my father's eyes, I am the fuck up...I should have stood by my man...I mean if my mom did it - I should too. I hate to say it, and God bless me for feeling this way, but it's how I feel...I resent my mother for staying with my father....because she did we all turned out to be so fucked up. We witnessed the abuse, the violence, the alcoholism - I witnessed the abuse of my siblings - the cries the screams the terror....I will never forget them as long as I lived...and the thing is I endured the physical abuse my siblings or my mother did. To my mother...the Lord will guide her - blind faith - well how about being blind to the destruction that was taking place in all our lives - and how we all have the demons within...and that's just the tip of the iceberg...I could delve into so much more...but what's the point in it all..it can't be fixed, it can't be changed...i'm tainted and nothing can change that....honestly, I'm wondering why I decided to stop pretending....everyone was happier when I did...and in the big scope of things I look at myself as selfish and self-absorbed for allowing myself to be free from it...so in essence am I actually doing myself any good? or my kids? or my parents? or my friends? All because I want to be happy - when in respect to it all - I'm still the miserable person - just not pretending.
I'm tired of pretending to be someone who everyone else wants me to be. It's what I've done my whole life. I've never been good enough as being "me" - to anyone. Why can't anyone accept/love me for who I am. Why must I always try and mold myself into what others want me to be. I finally try to let myself be me - and say screw it - take me as I am - I am me. Yet it's never good enough. It never is. Everyone says there is someone out there for everyone - yet I truly don't believe that exists for me - not unless I pretend to be someone I'm not. I'm tired of pretending. I've done it for so long - yet when I quit pretending - what you see you do not like.
I always tried to be what everyone wanted - my parents, my ex, my friends - but as soon as I tried to be "me" it wasn't good enough. I'm a failure to my parents - my ex thinks I'm evil - my friends don't understand me....no one does...why? Because I am who I am - and that not good enough - maybe I'm better off pretending....I did it for so long - I was use to it- and it didn't rock the boat....and people liked the "pretend version" so much better. I need to come to terms as to what I need to do for everyone else - because for me - I'll never be good enough to anyone else....unless I pretend.
I don't know why I can't be accepted for who I am. My parents (My dad anyways, my mom doesn't even know who I am...she has Alzheimers) thinks I'm a fool for making the decision to divorce - it's my fault - and shame on me. As far as he's concerned my ex is a nice guy because he was respectful to him...guess what he was far from respectful to ME...but that doesn't count or matter in the realm of things does it? Because, in my father's eyes, I am the fuck up...I should have stood by my man...I mean if my mom did it - I should too. I hate to say it, and God bless me for feeling this way, but it's how I feel...I resent my mother for staying with my father....because she did we all turned out to be so fucked up. We witnessed the abuse, the violence, the alcoholism - I witnessed the abuse of my siblings - the cries the screams the terror....I will never forget them as long as I lived...and the thing is I endured the physical abuse my siblings or my mother did. To my mother...the Lord will guide her - blind faith - well how about being blind to the destruction that was taking place in all our lives - and how we all have the demons within...and that's just the tip of the iceberg...I could delve into so much more...but what's the point in it all..it can't be fixed, it can't be changed...i'm tainted and nothing can change that....honestly, I'm wondering why I decided to stop pretending....everyone was happier when I did...and in the big scope of things I look at myself as selfish and self-absorbed for allowing myself to be free from it...so in essence am I actually doing myself any good? or my kids? or my parents? or my friends? All because I want to be happy - when in respect to it all - I'm still the miserable person - just not pretending.
Replies
cut the shit!!!
I\'m sorry hit the send button to soon-
contact me please....
Lisa, this journal breaks my heart. I accept you for who you are. To pretend, isn\'t even to be alive. You HAVE to find peace and happiness within, BEFORE you can find a man who\'s worth being with. Once YOU ARE happy and love yourself, it wont matter what a man thinks!!! You were ON TOP OF THE WORLD, b4 going to see Storm. Now you are more depressed than I have ever seen you be. Your self worth isn\'t about a stupid guy approving or loving you. You deserve the BEST, and should never settle for less. WHEN YOU are happy inside with YOU, and WHO YOU ARE, then and not until then, will you find someone you will love and get the love back. We cant make it if we depend on someones approval and acceptance of us, to make us ok. And, men really are attracted to stron, confident, self sufficient women, who can stand on their own and shine. If you begin to love and approve of yourself, thats how you will come across to others. Go back and rwad your journals as to how good you felt just b4 your trip! Thats the Lisa you need to be in REALITY! STRONG, HAPPY, HOPEFUL, EXCITED, ADVENTUROUS, KNOWING, INDEPENDENT, GLOWING, ON TOP OF THE WORLD. You need to get yourself back to that space for REAL. Then who cares who approves. Take the best, leave the rest!!!! I love you UNCONDITIONALLY! And I KNOW YOU have the stregth to fulfill yourself. LISA doesnt accept the real Lisa!!!! Lisa doesn\'t approve of the real Lisa!!! What LISA sees, Lisa doesnt like. Thats the reality!!!! That needs to be fixed b4 you can ever love another. I know you can do it.
MissChells - Thanks for your post...but my trip had nothing to do with what I\'m going through. It\'s no one else - but ME....I\'m my worst enemy - no one else is/has done anything to get me to where I am now. My darkness and observations of myself put me where I am - not anyone but myself. I don\'t blame anyone for who I am. Sure, I could sit and say it\'s myparents fault, etc. but it\'s not. I am who I am - because I\'m a product of my environment and me as a person. I realize I have a long road ahead - but I need to accept my faults....I create my destiny - no one else does it...therefore I need to look from within and try to come to terms with my own issues that I have...no one has created those issues - they are mine - and I caused them to myself. It would be alot easier to pass blame on everything within my life. Sure, Icould pass blame on my ex, etc. But, I can\'t. People are who they are - and we need to accept that. I\'ve learned that with my ex - he is who he is. I don\'t hate him for that. I don\'t expect him to change. I use to resent him for not changing - but that\'s not fair to him - he is who he is - and I would never want anyone to be someone they\'re not...because I\'ve always been that person - being someone you wnt me to be - and it does no good - it\'s not being true to one\'s self. I pray I can get to the point of being real and true to myself. Hate to use a cliche but...one day at a time.
Oh I hope you didnt think I was \"blaming\" anyone. I wasn\'t. I was just using as a marking of when things changed for the worse. And trying to show you that you DID feel great. And something in that trip made you realize a lot of things. So now, you just need to look at what u learned at that time, and work on it.
I know I am who I am because of my environment, and my experiences but Id never blame my mom or my ex. I carry my own bags, and need to start \"unpacking\" them!! LOL (Thats no easy feat). So I apologize if I gave that impression.