Being Paralyzed
Boy - as I've stated in the past - and I'll say it again - It's amazing how one's emotions can go through such a rollercoaster ride all in one day.
When I awoke this morning the sun was shining, and felt that it was going to be such a great day. I sat and appreciated the new day that was so full of life and full of hope. It felt really good. As my day progressed, so did my thoughts. A whirlwind inside of me. My thoughts were racing - but instead of them being a negative panic, it was a positive one. Something I'm totally not use to. Even though I was very anxious, it wasn't a bad anxious. Yet I allowed 'good/bad' take me over. The bad beating me down telling me I don't deserve to be happy - the one that's always telling me the glass is half empty. Bad was definitey prevailing. And I allowed it to. Why? Because I'm weak? Because I feel I'm not worth it? Because I'm afraid to let it in? Because I'm afraid of the outcome? Wish I had a clue.
I can sit here and try to bang positive affirmations into my head and try to make it work. Sometimes it does - and sometimes it doesn't. I've tried to make myself believe I'm a good person. As corny as this sounds - I've stared at myself in teh bathroom mirror before heading out for the day - and told myself that I am a good person, and I deserve to be happy. Yet - why can't I just allow it to come in? I'm being presented with happiness right before me - yet it scares the living crap out of me. I sit there and say - it doesn't matter what I say - all that matters is that I'm negative - always thinking the worst is going to happen. Why can't I believe that something good could happen to me? Why do I feel like I don't deserve it?
I've let my guard down - and it feels good to be myself. I feel totally at ease. I feel like I don't have to pretend to be someone else. It's ok that I'm me. That's something that I'm not use to. Someone who accepts me for my quirks - and I have alot of them!
Anyways, that's one part of the emotional rollercoaster today. Then there was the pathetic part of me. The one I truly hate about myself. I use to have so much drive, ambitions, motivation, dreams and all of that. I lost that - Hell knows where I put it - but I lost it. Why do I feel overwhelmed doing the day to day things in my life. Back to being pathetic - I finally was brave enough to get my mail in my mailbox - close to not getting it for 3 weeks! It's at the end of my freakin' driveway ok - and I didn't have the courage to go and get it. How lame is that? Why do I have such a hard time handling these things that I use to handle with ease? I mean, I can go on and on - my taxes, everything. I can't face this until I absoluely have to. I bounced a freaking check. I had the funds in my saving's account - but I couldn't transfer the funds. Hello, what's wrong with this picture? Why am I sabbotaging myself? Why? If someone could clue me in I'd really appreciate it. I look at myself and say "are you freakin' kidding me? What the hell's the matter with you?" I KNOW I need to do these things - yet having to do them gets me anxious and overwhelmed - yet when I finished doing my taxes - it was a great feeling of accomplishment.
My last journal entry reflected where I was at that point. I feel/felt like such a loser. My 'pal' asked me what was wrong - he could tell that something was wrong with just my simple hello. I wanted to share what I was going through - and felt so embarrassed to explain my distress. And he made me realize when I finally did break down and told him that it's ok - it's not the end of the world that I bounced a check - and that instead of focusing on it - I need to fix the problem and keep on looking ahead instead of focusing/dwelling on the problem. I did get some clarity from it. I just think the bounced check was the icing on the cake.
Tomorrow is another day. Don't know how many times I'm going to take a ride on the rollercoaster tomorrow - but I can tell you that tonight - I'm getting off of it!
Boy - as I've stated in the past - and I'll say it again - It's amazing how one's emotions can go through such a rollercoaster ride all in one day.
When I awoke this morning the sun was shining, and felt that it was going to be such a great day. I sat and appreciated the new day that was so full of life and full of hope. It felt really good. As my day progressed, so did my thoughts. A whirlwind inside of me. My thoughts were racing - but instead of them being a negative panic, it was a positive one. Something I'm totally not use to. Even though I was very anxious, it wasn't a bad anxious. Yet I allowed 'good/bad' take me over. The bad beating me down telling me I don't deserve to be happy - the one that's always telling me the glass is half empty. Bad was definitey prevailing. And I allowed it to. Why? Because I'm weak? Because I feel I'm not worth it? Because I'm afraid to let it in? Because I'm afraid of the outcome? Wish I had a clue.
I can sit here and try to bang positive affirmations into my head and try to make it work. Sometimes it does - and sometimes it doesn't. I've tried to make myself believe I'm a good person. As corny as this sounds - I've stared at myself in teh bathroom mirror before heading out for the day - and told myself that I am a good person, and I deserve to be happy. Yet - why can't I just allow it to come in? I'm being presented with happiness right before me - yet it scares the living crap out of me. I sit there and say - it doesn't matter what I say - all that matters is that I'm negative - always thinking the worst is going to happen. Why can't I believe that something good could happen to me? Why do I feel like I don't deserve it?
I've let my guard down - and it feels good to be myself. I feel totally at ease. I feel like I don't have to pretend to be someone else. It's ok that I'm me. That's something that I'm not use to. Someone who accepts me for my quirks - and I have alot of them!
Anyways, that's one part of the emotional rollercoaster today. Then there was the pathetic part of me. The one I truly hate about myself. I use to have so much drive, ambitions, motivation, dreams and all of that. I lost that - Hell knows where I put it - but I lost it. Why do I feel overwhelmed doing the day to day things in my life. Back to being pathetic - I finally was brave enough to get my mail in my mailbox - close to not getting it for 3 weeks! It's at the end of my freakin' driveway ok - and I didn't have the courage to go and get it. How lame is that? Why do I have such a hard time handling these things that I use to handle with ease? I mean, I can go on and on - my taxes, everything. I can't face this until I absoluely have to. I bounced a freaking check. I had the funds in my saving's account - but I couldn't transfer the funds. Hello, what's wrong with this picture? Why am I sabbotaging myself? Why? If someone could clue me in I'd really appreciate it. I look at myself and say "are you freakin' kidding me? What the hell's the matter with you?" I KNOW I need to do these things - yet having to do them gets me anxious and overwhelmed - yet when I finished doing my taxes - it was a great feeling of accomplishment.
My last journal entry reflected where I was at that point. I feel/felt like such a loser. My 'pal' asked me what was wrong - he could tell that something was wrong with just my simple hello. I wanted to share what I was going through - and felt so embarrassed to explain my distress. And he made me realize when I finally did break down and told him that it's ok - it's not the end of the world that I bounced a check - and that instead of focusing on it - I need to fix the problem and keep on looking ahead instead of focusing/dwelling on the problem. I did get some clarity from it. I just think the bounced check was the icing on the cake.
Tomorrow is another day. Don't know how many times I'm going to take a ride on the rollercoaster tomorrow - but I can tell you that tonight - I'm getting off of it!
Replies
I appreciate your\' honesty and sharing. I have been depressed in my past, still battling it through the different phases of my body being a misbehavin\' you know what, please care for you, as the tide rises and falls. I am sorry for the inconveinces of life getting overwhelming. I do understand. Hope you will be a friend and read my journal. Love and hugs, djc
We are our own worst enemies aren\'t we? We beat ourselves up over little things, but at the time, we\'ve convinced ourselves that they are HUGE things! You know you\'re doing ok when you can later reflect and laugh at yourself for making such a big deal over those little things. So, as you can see with your own situation, you ARE doing ok. It\'s a vicious cycle, SK, but we\'re going to keep battling it...because we can.
I\'m glad you\'re off the rollercoaster today. Treat yourself to something nice. You deserve it.
Knock em out one at a time. Makes you feel better and builds your confidence. As for the check thing, shit Donald Trump bounces checks constantly, and look at his hair, what a joke. Money is not the answer, There are plenty of loaded people with fucked up lives, Michael Jackson, Paul McCartney, Reese Witherspoon, it does not matter. There are also plenty of regular folks who are not loaded, living check to check and happy as can be. Me for example, plus I am starting my own new diet program, instantly lose 30 plus pounds in one day. Yeah, the Jimputation diet. All you gotta due is lose a limb and bam, instant weight lose. I am looking for investors, tell me what you think. Seriously though, smile, get outside, take a walk and breath.
There is a saying \"Fake it til you make it.\" So I find that I have to practice to be happy. Some days are easier than others. Rita
sometimes..we set such high expectations for ourselves..that we don\'t have a chance in hell to meet. oh, the validation! see? i AM a fuck up!
bad trap, self-sabotage.
the only way to combat it is to cut yourself slack..realize that there is no such thing as perfection...and what a boring world it would be if there was.
you\'re gonna bounce checks..lol..you\'re gonna question your mothering skills (ALL GOOD mothers DO!)
try to imagine what u would tell your closest, dearest friend..if she presented u with these SAME issues....and then tell those same things to yourself. xoxo love ya, chicken litte.
COugar...our pastor says that...makes me smile.
Seeking, everyone has such a valid point before me. As for the check bouncing part...gulp, we have our line of credit as an overdraft protection on our account. (not good) and since I have started my buisness in the last year it has gotten a work out! YOU ARE OK! Take baby steps, in fact, try watching \"what about Bob\" with Bill Murray!!! Its great!!!