I'm scared - I feel myself spiraling yet I feel I can't do anything to stop it. Gawd, I feel like such a fuck up. I'm really not liking myself right now - because I feel so weak inside. I know full well I need to stop this feeling - yet I feel like it's winning. I don't want it to win - but it is and I want it to stop! I feel such a battle of "good over evil" inside of me right now.
If there was anyway I could run away from myself right now I would heartbeat. But, I can't. Somehow I need to deal with this - yet I can't. I'm totally breaking down right before myself. And I don't know how to stop it. Thank God my kids are outside playing - so carefree. Such a beautiful day outside and I'm glad they're enjoying it. It also allows me to have my meltdown without trying to hide it. I don't know why this is happening, but it is. I feel my chest is caving in and I can't breathe. All I want to do is run from myself and I can't. Gawd, I really hate feeling this right now - I wish I could make it stop - just want to be left feeling numb - yet I can't. My kids deserve so much more, they really do. They were cursed with having me as their mother. I don't know what I did to deserve them. I really don't deserve them. And I don't know what they did to deserve me. They're way too beautiful inside and out to have me as their mother. They deserve so much more.
If there was anyway I could run away from myself right now I would heartbeat. But, I can't. Somehow I need to deal with this - yet I can't. I'm totally breaking down right before myself. And I don't know how to stop it. Thank God my kids are outside playing - so carefree. Such a beautiful day outside and I'm glad they're enjoying it. It also allows me to have my meltdown without trying to hide it. I don't know why this is happening, but it is. I feel my chest is caving in and I can't breathe. All I want to do is run from myself and I can't. Gawd, I really hate feeling this right now - I wish I could make it stop - just want to be left feeling numb - yet I can't. My kids deserve so much more, they really do. They were cursed with having me as their mother. I don't know what I did to deserve them. I really don't deserve them. And I don't know what they did to deserve me. They're way too beautiful inside and out to have me as their mother. They deserve so much more.
Replies
don\'t beat yourself up like this, you don\'t deserve it. you are not a fuck up and i honestly believe that your children are lucky to have you, you deserve them as much as they deserve you, i bet they\'d agree. please stop beating yourself up, you\'re such a lovely person and just because you feel sad, does not make you a bad person. take care, love alice x *hugs* if you need to talk..........
Oh Lisa here i sit, feeling sad for you, but relating. Now I feel I will take this on. Im glad Im not exactly sure what you mean. I think being on the phone so much is peeling your layers quicker than you can handle it. They say in AA, we are all like onions, and we must peel the onion layers very slowly. Get to know each layer b4 going to deeply into the onion. Does this make sense? Could you be peeling to quickly? As for you and the kids, they are lucky to have you! And you are lucky to have them! They are what keeps us alive and trying much of the time. But we also get most of our gulit from them, because we are trying so hard to be good, complete women, we tend to feel badly for them, or think they deserve a better mother. But they truly love us, and would want no other. And somehow you have to believe that as we ache, hurt, grow, learn and change, so do our children. And they will be better adults for it. What if we were both perfect women?! What is we never had a problem and our children had simple childhoods and grew up seeing and learning no sorrow or sadness, no struggle or growth? What kind of adults would they be?? BORING, SPOILED, SHALLOW MINDED, SUPERFICIAL perhaps? Your lessons and pain, spill over to your kids, and allow them to grow up REAL and LOVING! Feel your pain, but discard the guilt. You are a GREAT mother, and you teach your children well. I love u, Nichole
Hi, I understand each and every word you said. You have to remember that our children are gifts from God and he chose each of us for a reason. We are not perfect we are human, we were made to be difficult and cofused and everything else we feel. I know there\'s feelings and things we want to hide and put away. I understand that so much right now. I\'m not sure what i\'m trying to say but stay strong. You are a good mother and your children love you. I realized the other day with a smile, ty, how good a Mum I am. My grandson said it to someone for holding open a door. It made me think, I raised your Mum and she\'s doing a good job so I must have also. This after 27 years of doubting it most day\'s. Funny how it works. Look at all you\'ve done. A simple smile or a ty is all that makes it worth while and it\'s in the eye\'s of your children.
Whoa, any woman who raises their children is deserving as well as your children are for you. Reach out to someone close by, family, friends someone you can trust your kids with and take a mini vaca. Drop em off on friday night and check in to a nice, inexpensive hotel. Get one with a pool preferably. And just chill, have a drink or two, water is the stuff of life so take a swim and just relax. Watch a movie, read a book, take a walk. Call your kids before bed and tell em you love them. Come Sunday you\'ll be right as rain. If not, let me know and we\'ll figure something out. Keep your head up, be strong and don\'t hide from your kids, children are amazingly adept at making us feel better. A mud pie could be just the answer.
beautiful children..inside and out? wow...wonder who made them that way?...think it...could....be YOU????
xoxo Di