Insecurities
Why must we have them? I hate them. I really do. I try so hard to take the chance - yet my mind is telling me to revert back to my shell - it's a much safer place.
I feel so stupid for feeling this way - yet I can't avoid it - it's there - it exists in my being. God, I hate feeling so delicate sometimes. Why am I that way? Why can't I accept that it's ok to be me and that people will still like me. Why must I always think that the other shoe's going to drop? Why? Why must I feel that way? Maybe because I've always been let down, disappointed in some way?
I'm just tired of feeling this. That's why I feel it's safer to stay in my comfortable shell and not focus on me. There are some days I feel so insignificant - so insecure....and it's something I'm use to and comfortable with. It's safer to feel that - that way there's no hurt = and when the other shoe drops - it doesn't hurt as much. I'm tired of hurting - yet it's safer that way - than to allow things in. Because if I actually allow myself to feel good and something should happen - I won't have to feel the major disappointment. It's just safer that way.
It takes alot for me to share my inner feelings and who I really am. I've never expressed myself truly, deeply before. I've never let someone completely in - and I'm doing that - and it's so overwhelming. I don't know how to handle it - I feel so vulnerable. Like I'm some form of entertainment, and when the novelty wears off - it will crush me beyond belief. I've been let down alot in my life - and as much as I crave "that" because I've never had it - I don't know if I truly want to experience it out of fear of it being taken away from me.
Why must we have them? I hate them. I really do. I try so hard to take the chance - yet my mind is telling me to revert back to my shell - it's a much safer place.
I feel so stupid for feeling this way - yet I can't avoid it - it's there - it exists in my being. God, I hate feeling so delicate sometimes. Why am I that way? Why can't I accept that it's ok to be me and that people will still like me. Why must I always think that the other shoe's going to drop? Why? Why must I feel that way? Maybe because I've always been let down, disappointed in some way?
I'm just tired of feeling this. That's why I feel it's safer to stay in my comfortable shell and not focus on me. There are some days I feel so insignificant - so insecure....and it's something I'm use to and comfortable with. It's safer to feel that - that way there's no hurt = and when the other shoe drops - it doesn't hurt as much. I'm tired of hurting - yet it's safer that way - than to allow things in. Because if I actually allow myself to feel good and something should happen - I won't have to feel the major disappointment. It's just safer that way.
It takes alot for me to share my inner feelings and who I really am. I've never expressed myself truly, deeply before. I've never let someone completely in - and I'm doing that - and it's so overwhelming. I don't know how to handle it - I feel so vulnerable. Like I'm some form of entertainment, and when the novelty wears off - it will crush me beyond belief. I've been let down alot in my life - and as much as I crave "that" because I've never had it - I don't know if I truly want to experience it out of fear of it being taken away from me.
Replies
i hope you can come through this and be truly happy without fear. i am hoping that day will come for all of us soon, the only difference between how i feel and you is that i really want to be happy, i don\'t care about the disappointments, happy for a while would be a dream come true.
Oh god Lisa, I read this sentence: (i hope you can come through this and be truly happy without fear) by AAEH, and i sucked in my breath with fear. It was a sentence that made me feel naked......just picturing me HAPPY with NO FEAR is VULNERABLE, naked feeling! How can one feel happy without fear? POSSIBLE? Not in my lifetime so far......
If Im smiling or happy, I swear I subconciously sabotage it, cuz I know someone will, so I better do it first!!! Thats sickening!!! I just learned something really big about myself! WHY shouldnt we be happy and NOT WORRY it will go away? hmmmmmm
I can relate to that very well. I had been into my shell all my life. Everyone tell me that it\'s time for me to step out of my comfortable zone and I am trying to do that. I am tired of being inside my shell all my life. It\'s like one minute out of my shell, then next minute I am back in my shell again. I honestly thought I was the only one that is like that. I\'d be rather be happy and chasing my dreams to come true. I will do whatever I can make it happen so the same for everyone too. I grew up in a negative enivorment and had ZERO esteem and LACK of confidence in myself. But Friends are always good and the most precious treasure in the world than the money.
I don\'t now anyone who isn\'t insecure. Some are just better at hiding it. Seems the older I get the less I\'m able to hide it. I always had a zippity-doo-dah facade and that has become impossible to maintain. All we can do is keep trying. Rita