Ok - I'm going to warn you that as I write this journal I am indulging in a couple of glasses of wine - so I might bounce around - and change topics - but what I'm going to write is just thoughts flowing through me.

I've made truly amazing discoveries lately. Everyday I learn something new about me - about life. So many transformations - See you don't understand where I've come from. I was a wife for sooooooooooo many years - and even though it was me who wanted the change - it's still so surreal - life that is. Since last fall I've been in such a worldwind of emotions, feelings, and so many other things.

Honestly, I feel like the last 4 months have been this big blur of me being in a very dark place - so down about everything - that the only reason I decided to wake up in the morning is because of my kids. I guess this is part of the cycle, who knows. All I know is that it feels good rising above the dark gloom I've faced for quite a while. Although, I have no clue in how to be as myself - it does feel good not having the pressures that I did have. It's just different now. It's scary and difficult - and i'm totally clueless - but I'm discovering a little bit each day. I have to say that since I've been on DS I've grown so much. I've acknowledged things about myself and my situation and am facing things head - at least trying to make an attempt anyways. As shitty as this sounds - because I don't wish what we all feel on anyone - it feels really good to realize that there are others that feel the exact same way as you do - and can truly understand where you're coming from. It makes me want to somehow overcome all of this. I have sooooo much shit to contend with within myself. But I can honestly say that since I've been here I've grown and learned alot about myself.

I made an observation today about myself. I had pretended for so long in my marriage - and vowed that I would never do that to myself or my significant other again. It isn't fair to either person. Yet, I discovered a pattern - and that I find myself sinking into it again. It's like history repeating itself. LIfe is about living and being true to you. I need to do that. I need to be myself - and be ok with that. And that you love me for me....that i shouldn't have to change who I am for anyone - I should be me and people should love me for me. Not transform myself into someone who you want me to be - so that you'll love me - for the person you want me to be.

I know, how sad. All I want it to feel the love of someone - to truly feel it - knowing that that person looks at me for me and loves me anyways. I don't know what that's like. I yearn for that. I have so much love to give - I just ask for it in return. You'd think it would be a pretty easy thing to do - but to me it seems it's very difficult for some people.

I know, I'm rambling - but just letting it flow. Thanks for listening.