Well, it's been a couple days since I wrote anything in my journal. Just dealing with the "drama" of life. For those of you that know me, you know what I'm talking about.

The last time I wrote a journal entry (couple days ago), I had written about my childhood, and it felt good to let out my feelings of yesteryear...Anyways, I hit save, and the journal entry went "poof!"....Wasn't happy, and I guess that too may be a part of why I haven't written in my journal.

At this point in time I just want to get through the month of April. At the end of that time, I really need to take a step in either direction, and get out of limbo. At least in that area of my life. The area of my life I'm referring about is D. Things have transpired, and basically it's like a zit that's ready to pop. I know, gross analogy, but basically that's how it is. Things are escalating between me and D. As in, instead of me just not discussing my feelings and bringing them to the table and keeping them inside...I've told D. my feelings and now it's being acknowledged, and I might screw myself....who knows. I know I love him and I know he loves me....I know that, it's just that right now he's in a real funk, and says that he can't give me what I need. He asked me if I really want to get mixed up with someone like him. It's like he's pushing me away, doesn't want to hurt me, yet it hurts me that he's pushing me away. I know he doesn't want to deep down. We talk and I can tell in his voice that he is happy to talk with me. He has bsaically shut the whole world out, but he still lets me in. Which gives me hope! I know, anyone reading this must be saying, "just cut the head off the chicken, and move on"....That would be so easy to do if I didn't love this man, and know that he's a wonderful person. I know who he really is deep down. And I know who he is now. He's not the same person....but I believe that person still exists. I truly believe that, and I can't give up....just yet....Basically, what I think will determine for me is that he's on vacation last week of April, beginning of May. I haven't seen him since the end of October. I need to see him. Alot has transpired between us, and bottom line, I NEED to see him. I feel helpless not being able to be there for him. He says he feels paralyzed. He says he misses me, etc., but he's paralyzed. I feel like I should just go down there during his vacation for a long weekend. Should I? Or should i let him decide, even though he says he's paralyzed, so therefore basically he won't give me an answer. If I don't get to see him during that time, I really need to consider what I need. I can't continue to be in limbo either. It's very emotional. *sigh*