I feel so torn inside. All I want to do is see D. I need to get away for along weekend. All I want to do is spend it with him. Go somewhere just the 2 of us. He's so low, he dodges the question. I know it would help if we both got away and just had some solitude from the world. I told him no pressures of having to "perform". I mean sure, I'd love to, but I dont' want him thinking that that's what it's all about. I just want to be there for him. I want him to know I'm not going anywhere. I know it's the depression, just sometimes it hurts. I do feel rejected, but I know it's the depression. I believe in him, and don't want to walk away. It's very difficult...the distance. Havent seen each other since October. Feels like a lifetime ago. I miss him. I miss his closeness. I miss his touch. His smile. He makes me feel so alive. It's so hard seeing him this way, not being able to comfort him. I feel so helpless.

I really want to be able to get away with him in April. That's what I'd rather do more than anything. But if he can't give me an answer? I do have the opportunity to go Florida at the end of April with a couple of my g/f's. They've asked me to go. My g/f's dad has a condo down there. Ocean front, very nice. Been there before. I could be a beach bum for 4 days. Just get lost in the sound of the ocean. Try to make sense of what/who I'm suppose to be. I need some time away. I feel guilty that it doesn't involve my kids, but I need to clear my mind, so that I can focus on who or what it is I'm suppose to be doing. God, I wish I had a clue