I am back
So it's been almost a month since I wrote here and so much has happened, yet I do not remember all of it. After the divorce proceedings, I would say for about a good two weeks I felt invincible. There was nothing my ex could say or do that would make me feel down. I took a one day trip to Kansas City on the MegaBus and had the best time at the King Tut exhibit, eating around town and visiting my father. My best friend was so happy that I did something nice for me. I finished remodeling my bedroom and it is gorgeous. My 14 year old even painted an abstract mural of Chrysanthemums on one wall and it is breathtaking.
Around the 2nd week of this month, I realized that my ex had not start paying his child support. His best friend found him a job cleaning hotel rooms for a little over minimum wage. While this pales in comparison to his previous salary, it is still a salary and he needs to provide for his sons. I went down to the courts, informed them that he was behind on his payments and they started the process to garnish his check. After leaving the courts, I felt down. It hit me that all I had expected to happen in my marriage (us being together till death did us part, raising our sons, visiting with grandchildren in the future, going on extended trips when we retire, etc) is gone. I have a separate life now. To compound the sadness, that same weekend my ex's best friend came over to check on me, but left me feeling even more down. He told me that I allowed my ex to leave, that before I can even think about getting into another relationship, I really have to work on myself and that what my ex is doing to our youngest son, I am over emphasizing it. What?! Then he goes on to tell me that my ex is not in love with the skank he is with, that he is not as happy as I think, he's struggling and barely making it. Once again, what?! When he left, all I could was cry. I immediately made an appointment with my therapist.
My therapist told me that what I am feeling is normal. It is similar to going to a funeral of a loved one. You make the arrangements and go through the motions, but once you see the casket go in the ground, you are bombarded with the memories of good times and future plans. Completely understandable. Since that session, I have felt better. This past weekend, I took my first driving lesson and it was terrifying, but exhilarating at the same time. I felt so much freedom behind the wheel. Now I just have to practice on my turns (I almost hit a parked car). I am still cutting a long list of people who are in my life. The next one is my ex's best friend. I am done hearing about what he is doing and I definitely do not want to be made to feel guilty about my decision to divorce him. I am moving forward at light speed.
Around the 2nd week of this month, I realized that my ex had not start paying his child support. His best friend found him a job cleaning hotel rooms for a little over minimum wage. While this pales in comparison to his previous salary, it is still a salary and he needs to provide for his sons. I went down to the courts, informed them that he was behind on his payments and they started the process to garnish his check. After leaving the courts, I felt down. It hit me that all I had expected to happen in my marriage (us being together till death did us part, raising our sons, visiting with grandchildren in the future, going on extended trips when we retire, etc) is gone. I have a separate life now. To compound the sadness, that same weekend my ex's best friend came over to check on me, but left me feeling even more down. He told me that I allowed my ex to leave, that before I can even think about getting into another relationship, I really have to work on myself and that what my ex is doing to our youngest son, I am over emphasizing it. What?! Then he goes on to tell me that my ex is not in love with the skank he is with, that he is not as happy as I think, he's struggling and barely making it. Once again, what?! When he left, all I could was cry. I immediately made an appointment with my therapist.
My therapist told me that what I am feeling is normal. It is similar to going to a funeral of a loved one. You make the arrangements and go through the motions, but once you see the casket go in the ground, you are bombarded with the memories of good times and future plans. Completely understandable. Since that session, I have felt better. This past weekend, I took my first driving lesson and it was terrifying, but exhilarating at the same time. I felt so much freedom behind the wheel. Now I just have to practice on my turns (I almost hit a parked car). I am still cutting a long list of people who are in my life. The next one is my ex's best friend. I am done hearing about what he is doing and I definitely do not want to be made to feel guilty about my decision to divorce him. I am moving forward at light speed.
Replies
yes, all of the things you are feeling are perfectly normal! Just deal with the feelings as they come, crying is still ok. Just realize that you don\'t always feel like that, some days will still be better than others, even now.
You did the right thing by reporting him with the courts, I would suggest opening a child support case with you state, they will do the tracking and garnishing, etc. I hate to say this (I worked for child support for 15 miserable years) but he sounds like the type that will work under the table, quit his jobs when found and will continue to NOT pay, you need to realize that you will need to support your family and not rely on him for that. When money comes in (thru garnishments, taxes, etc) then great. Just be prepared for his lack of responsibility in that department.
Continue seeing your therapist when needed. You are doing great and have come a LONG way! Keep it up hon, you are making progress even tho still having hard times, perfectly normal. Continue to keep us updated, it gives us all a little bit of hope that we too will make it.
Good luck in your driving, how freeing for you to be able to take this next step. I was just thinking about you the other day and wondering how you were doing, so thanks for this update :)
Thank you for the advice. It has been a rough 6 months financially, but we are doing okay. I never thought about him working under the table and now that you mentioned it, it sounds like something he will do. I believe these last few months have been preparing me for what is about to happen; him being an absent parent.
Also, I plan on posting more. I found that having a support group of friends who understand my plight is really beneficial to my mental and emotional health.
I have been feeling the same as you described for those two weeks...maybe not quite invincible, but I\'ve been feeling pretty strong. I was wondering if that would change for me when the divorce became final. It seems like it will, based on what you\'re going through, so thanks for writing that as well as your therapist\'s response. I\'m glad you feel better now and are cutting contact with your ex\'s best friend.
That\'s great you are learning to drive! Way to go!
You are right about cutting your ex\'s best friend out of your life. You don\'t needd anyone in yur life who is going to drag you down. You did the right think in pursuing child support. I\'m glad you\'re getting out and enjoying yourself.
Good for you for filing! No free rides allowed! Single mothers already have too much on their shoulders..enough!
It\'s great you are making strides for your own life..decorating your space (what colors?) and learning to drive. FANTASTIC. That is what it is all about..making a life you are proud of and love..and you can claim all the effort in making it happen...you will claim all the glory too when things are riding high :-)
Yep..cut ppl out! They got to go. I have cut many people out..even people who were once good friends. I\'ve changed so much throughout all this..and my friendships are bound to change too. I\'m ok with that finally. I really like the friends in my life now. You have to let go of what doesn\'t work in order to make space for what does work...but the space in between can be scary. The memories are bound to happen and that is definitely normal. It seems like they sneak up on you when you think you are doing just fine lol.
I\'ve missed you on here..glad you are back!