june
so i started here in june of 2014, and i came here out of desperation to quit, i didnt quit, BUT I ADMITTED THAT I HAD TO QUIT..... jeez, imagine the money i'd have for the two years
ive beat myself up over and over, to a bloody pulp, denial, bargaining, acceptance, thats me
im free from a bet since 4/10 - i have been going here and there, nothing like i used to, but the last time i went i was just an emotional wreck when i got home - worse than usual, parlyzed, yet jittery, miserable, hopeless, sad, frustrated, desperate, if i could of clawed off my own skin, that would help a little, my body was in stuck a downward spiral of something, i got home, and my 10 year old got dropped off, and i just kept saying "thy will be done" over and over.... i had to keep me calm around her
gods will for me, must be he wants me in it, to learn something, and he wants me out of it to stop hurting, last week, i had off tues, wed, thursday, friday, saturday and part sunday (and 3 paychecks, one commission check, 3 child support check, and one expense check in the bank) plus savings from curbing.....
to an addict, that is torture, RIGHT? money is worse having it sometimes??? i dont know how....i just did it, powered thru by the grace of god some how, maybe its diff this time, i can only hope, i do my meetings - i need the book info also should help me more, maybe god gave me a test and i passed? maybe maybe maybe, all i have to do is not drive to the casino....how hard can that be?
this addiction is no joke, i pray for all of us
ive beat myself up over and over, to a bloody pulp, denial, bargaining, acceptance, thats me
im free from a bet since 4/10 - i have been going here and there, nothing like i used to, but the last time i went i was just an emotional wreck when i got home - worse than usual, parlyzed, yet jittery, miserable, hopeless, sad, frustrated, desperate, if i could of clawed off my own skin, that would help a little, my body was in stuck a downward spiral of something, i got home, and my 10 year old got dropped off, and i just kept saying "thy will be done" over and over.... i had to keep me calm around her
gods will for me, must be he wants me in it, to learn something, and he wants me out of it to stop hurting, last week, i had off tues, wed, thursday, friday, saturday and part sunday (and 3 paychecks, one commission check, 3 child support check, and one expense check in the bank) plus savings from curbing.....
to an addict, that is torture, RIGHT? money is worse having it sometimes??? i dont know how....i just did it, powered thru by the grace of god some how, maybe its diff this time, i can only hope, i do my meetings - i need the book info also should help me more, maybe god gave me a test and i passed? maybe maybe maybe, all i have to do is not drive to the casino....how hard can that be?
this addiction is no joke, i pray for all of us
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