journal

i think my journal gets read, and i hope it helps others
 
its christmas eve...and how are we doing out there....some will make it, some are too far gone to listen, but with due time will find hope and sobriety, i think of the casino floor, the sea of people, zombies, you can tell the recreational ones from the hardcore addicts...banging away on there machine, banging, i never did that...i didnt want the people around me to know my pain and frustration, so i'd pull my hair, so I could release the pain, knowing the inevitable was going to happen, i hated that part, loathed, died slowly inside, slowly, slowly, searching for an answer to my madness, i used to count, each time i hit the button, it stopped me from going insane, the amount of times i got to a bonus, and then when the bonus didnt pay off...ohhhhhhhhhh the vile hate i had for that moment....THE BONUS IS SUPPOSED TO BRING ME MORE MONEY,MORE CREDITS, MORE TIME...NOT DISAPOINT ME!!!  how dare you disapoint me, i thought we were friends.
 
no we're not...
12/27 will be four months, i'll make it and then some, i wont ever shake the feeling of those days/night and im ok with that, it keeps me focused.. i still have a phobia of looking at my checking account balance, even though i know i have money in there, so much time wasted, my body so weak from sitting in that chair, no movement for hours....so ashamed, yet hopeful, I hope and pray for all of us, i really do, my advice....plain and simple...Get the fuck out of that seat, and go home and pray and it will come recovery will come....xxooo God Bless everyone and Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays.. :)