arg

Been depressed and ignoring it lately.  If I think about it I see no future right now without a serious amount of hurt.  Thought I was at bottom, but seems I still have further to fall before I can go up.  It sucks.  I try not to think about it and push on.  I think the things that I think of helping aren't enough and I may need to risk losing them too, before things can stop spiraling downward.
Saw a movie today that started with a suicide attempt.  I forgot how good it felt anticipating killing myself.  The movie showed pretty well from the actors perspective so I could easily find myself there.  It felt freaking great.  Yeah, that is a problem.   Probably shouldn't of kept watching it knowing it was a trigger.  It just felt so good.
Letting my health get worse, slow suicide of sorts.  Can't afford to do anything about it anyways.  Had some chest pain going down my right shoulder.  Though by the way it tightened up it might have been a heart attack.  Checked online, no such luck.  Might be CAD or something like that, which is good news.  It was kinda cool the way it happened right as I was helping a customer.  I paused to take in what was happening, it passed, and I went on to help them.