bored and antsy, sitting here with the fuzzy monsters. they want tuna, i wanna write. and besides, they already had tuna, and i have'nt written. reading about John Adams. he might be the personification of "act like ye have faith and faith shall be given thee." the hardest part, i think, of my quitting drinking, is that i don't want anyone i know to know that i think i'm an alcoholic. because to me, it's weakness. a few people know, obviously you folks here, but you don't know who i am. the people who were at the few a.a. meetings i went to. three meetings. two of my best friends. and some of my family. not too many people. admitting defeat, i can't do it. was drinking in itself defeat? or is not being able to drink defeat? after hiding for all these years in plan sight, (the big guy with the beer, cigarette, and shot of tequila at the end of the bar, that was me) how do i do it now, without the delusion juice, Satran's 'lil helper. how do i let people know that the drunk fuck wasn't me? how are those things reconciled? can they be? i don't believe in forgiveness, just action, a man has to be able to stand alone. where the hell is God in all this? am i deserving of His forgiveness? really. am i deserving of eternity? why would He want me around all that time, what's the matter with Him? quitting drinking. seems such a waste of effort. and anyway, what's next, fucking bar-b-ques and ballgames, what the fuck is that? (quote from HEAT)what is a normal life? i love the word indifference. hate the act.
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