I guess this whole thing is dependant upon my desire for involvement in the world. a desire which for most of my life, ebbed with the passing of of influences much more random than the passing of celestial bodies. I've prided myself on my knowledge of, and disdain for, the outer world, wherein people by shoes and pay thier bills on time, and concern themselves with such trivialities as tomorrow.      I started drinking on a regular basis when i was nine. It was a bond created with my mother, that turned out to be stronger than the maternal bond that would have been healthier. My sister, at twelve years of age, couldn't hold her liquor, and if I was well behaved, I was rewarded with Bacardi and Pepsi. It went on from there.      Now, at the age of thirty-five, I have built a nice non-life, wherein there are no surprises, for there is nothing. I don't look to stop this cycle, because i wrecked the car or flipped the house, I need to because there is all consuming nothingness around me. The new day holds no joy, just light, to be follwed by darkness, and then, the Darkness, follwed by....      Yet i wonder, now what? Hunter S. Thompson said "you buy your ticket and you take the ride", yet which ride?, which ticket? They are both fearful endeavors, why not the one where the fears are rubbed smoother, the passings of time greased to pass quicker?        And, having written it, it looks pretty stupid.        I don't know, life is a painful thing, and those pains should be a source of pride, for if those scars are properly earned, then, the healing should be the mile markers of this journey.