Thoughts

Today, just rambling off and expressing thoughts. Yesterday was honestly a stab in my heart and it put me back to the very beginning of our separation. I have recognized that my biggest mistake was to hold on and believe in all he always said. He is not a bad person, I know so. I learned that he stopped loving me as a woman right after we had our son, about 3 years ago. How come I didn't see that? I couldn't sleep just thinking of the love I have for him and all we have accomplished together. But there are also so many nightmares. 

Look what goes through my mind: 
-What could I have done differently? Which turns into reviewing my entire past with him in my head. 
-Why her? Is he with her right now? Is he loving her as much as he once said he loved me? Is he truly relying on her on this dark times in his life? 
Then I ask myself some very different questions or have different thoughts:
-I deserve to be happy just like he is
-I deserve to be someones one and only and respected
-I am a wonderful woman. A great mother. A great friend. Hard working and independent. I have my own home, car, kids, great job. 
-My kids are gentlemen. My 7 year old is learning how to be a man. Has excellent grades. Even cleans the bathroom and asks if he can do the dishes. 
-My 3 year old is very special in his own way. He just learned how to allow me to give him a kiss after 3 years. He is autistic but has the brightest mind. He just pointed at a picture of a puzzle (we communicate through pictures since he is non-verbal) for the first time for us to play! He is medically up to date and we have the best team of professionals. A lot of work, but I've done it. 

Now, I see all the great things I have and I am. I look around and I couldn't be any more blessed. But then why do I keep feeling so empty? I never wanted to give up on us. It was my family. My 3 men. I am 31 years old and he is 27. At times I did feel I was helping him be a man for whoever was next. I used to say " I know I'm the one who will teach him life, manhood, fatherhood, but I know he will not stay with me for life". He always used to tell me I reminded him of his mother. And that I was "too Puertorrican" for him. He was born and raised in Bronx New York and I was born and raised in Puerto Rico. I was lucky enough to have been raised in a very cultured family. Women do everything inside the home, work, the kids, etc... But the men did everything outside, worked crazy hours, supported the family, took care of the car maintenance, and helped with the kids when needed. That's how I was raised and I have no problem jogling it all. Why couldn't he? With our special needs baby, I had to take a year off due to his medical condition and we decided he would stay at work, we worked at the same company. April 2013 I was contacted for an excellent job opportunity. But I had to stay home. He chose to quit his job so that I can grow as a professional woman. And so we did it that way. I worked and he stayed home. 
He was never the same since. He felt less of a man, he felt like baggage, he couldn't understand our son, he played video games all day long. But I wanted to make it work. Just a rough patch. People adored us together, our dynamic, our love and support. We would always make sure that we earned a yearly income higher than the other. It was our own encouragement to grow. One year I got promoted and so did he. It was always like that, so that we could continue to grow financially and professionally. I grew faster in the industry than he did because I led teams with my heart and passion. I empowered women and motivated men to achieve success. Why did he become jelous of me? Of my success? Of my will to make a difference in everyone's lives? I found that out after he left us. Was it like that all the time? I don't know.
Everything goes through my mind right now. At moments I want to conquer the world and others in on my knees asking God to take this awful pain away. I want to smile, to have a future, to live not to survive, to enjoy nature, to see my babies grow into young men, to continue to be successful, above all, to continue to make a difference. But when I try, my own thoughts bring me down because I lost my confidence as a woman when he made me feel I wasn't good enough for him. Or that I was too much for him. Am I too much of a woman for a man? How can that be? I remember that because we've always worked at the same banks (2 different ones) that people always knew the both of us. Even after our separation, I would find some of his staff around and they would be like "You're Anthony's wife. He talks about you all day long". Why? He doesn't want to be with me so why talk about me? And that's when all my confusion began about all of this. 
I know I have to let go, I know that I need to focus on the great things I have and have accomplished. I just don't know how to find myself again. I molded myself to who he was. I never knew football until I met him. I never knew about the "street" life and He taught me (so I wouldn't be so afraid). I didn't know about a lot of things, people say my mom kept me in a bubble, but with him I learned so much. I was myself fully. I could walk around the house in my underwear and I would feel so confident and comfortable around him. It was like this openess that we had that I've never had with anyone before. From one day to another it was all gone. And that has been the hardest part, letting go. 

Ami