Venting

And he did it again..... He has been gone since April and I have not stopped crying for not one day. Missing him, wanting him back, needing him, and fighting for my family to stay strong and together. I have waited and waited, for what? I have been there when he needs something, for what? I have listened and understood, I have humiliated myself and FOR WHAT? All along, all along all he has been desiring is this other young female (for lack of a better word) and I took it all in, I knew about it all, I was paying his cell phone bill up until TODAY, FOR WHAT? 

I have tried to be patience and believe that sometimes rough patches happen and things will be ok. No. I have been wrong for months. He found out that his father was very ill, dying, and he told me about it. He expressed his feelings and I listened. Yesterday, he decided to drive up to another state to see his father, I was listening all along. Even an one hour and 20 minute call during his car ride. And for what? He spent the day there and texted periodically. He texted when he left. He called at 11:20pm to leave me a voicemail with how much he loves me and misses me and he was sad for all that was happening to his dad and everything he has on his mind. My son was very sick last night so when I woke up at 12:30am I returned his call to see that he was fine (very stupid of me). Calls me this morning at 7:30am to tell me he was robbed at gun point and this and that and please call to cancel my line and get me a new phone. He begged me. I felt so sorry, and in love, that I called the company and ordered a replacement. He said he would call me once he got up. NOTHING. His mother calls me to tell me he stopped by her job and wants me to know he will be stopping by tomorrow to see his son. My heart dropped. I felt hot and shaky. I wanted to scream. He woke up and couldn't even call me?
Come to find out, he went to spend the evening with her. Can't call me to make sure I know he is ok, but she gets to get him and she gets to be his support system and she gets to be there when he needs someone the most. Why am I so upset and hurt? Just last night he told me he loved me, this morning he used me to get a new phone, and right now he has not had the decency to even make a phone call BUT he needs to make sure she knows he is ok. 

Listen, I am an adult and I know that I should have let go long ago. long ago. I deserve better than this. But I love him and I hate that I love him so much that I keep humiliating myself to his world and I hate I can't control it. It hurts. It hurts a lot. I'm giving everything so that he is ok, and I get rejection together with a slap in the face in return. Why am I so nice? Why do I keep doing this to myself? Why do I keep believing? Why do I have hope? Why didn't I let go? Why do I feel my world is so empty without him in it? Dark inside? Heaviness in my stomach? Can't concentrate? Can't eat well? Can't sleep? Why? I ask myself every day while he enjoys it all. Enjoys work (which I got him), enjoys someone's company, pays no bills but his car, has no responsibility since I have his son full time, eats and sleeps very well while I need help to even stop crying.
This is my venting to him. Why do this to me? The woman who has given it all for you? Everything to this guy. I even taught him how to change a bulb because he never knew. I taught him how to cut the lawn because he never did. For what? I turned him into a man for then him use those skills to enjoy someone else. This is frustrating and hurtful. I doubt myself as a woman, he left and all my confidence left with him. I deserve better but why can't I move on? Why am I still in love? Why do I feel I need him so much? Why have I allowed him to ruin my world the way he has and I have no idea how to pick my pieces back up? I just don't know. I just don't know. He did it again and I allowed it. I self my self up for big disappointment, AGAIN. 

I need to let go. I pray to find a way. I am hurting more than I thought I would and it's been months. Why can't it be over? Why take this long? Why did he have to do this to me after all our 5 years together? five years where I never saw my future without him in it. Letting go has been the hardest part of this journey. I never wanted to give up. Not on my family. But I have come to face the sad truth that I can't compete with someone who is 23, has no kids, goes to college, has long hair, and is pretty in her own way. If only he knew the pain....... he wouldn't do it again.