Here are some funnies I got off of healthyplace.com
Trillian's Lighter Side My Psych Humor "I've found out why people laugh.
They laugh because it hurts so much . . .
because it's the only thing that'll make it stop hurting."
~ Robert A. Heinlein ~
STRANGER IN A STRANGE LAND
Picture yourself near a stream.
Birds are singing in the crisp, cool mountain air.
Nothing can bother you here.
No one knows this secret place.
You are in total seclusion from that place called the world.
The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.
The water is clear.
You can easily make out the face of the person whose head you're holding under the water.
There now, feeling better?
What is the difference between a psychiatrist and a psychologist?
If you say to a psychiatrist: "I hate my mother," he will ask "Why do you say that?"
while a psychologist will say: "Thank you for sharing that with us."
How do you tell the difference between the staff and the
inmates at a psychiatric hospital?
The patients get better and leave.
How do you tell the difference between the staff and the
inmates at a psychiatric hospital?
The staff have the keys!
"I'm only paranoid because everyone is out to get me."
A Freudian Mother-In-Law joke:
"My mother-in-law is so ugly, I wanted to kill my father and sleep
with my sister."
I may be schizophrenic, but at least I have each other!
Why do psychiatrists give their patients shock treatment?
A. To prepare them for the bill.
Hypochondria is the only illness that I don't have.
I've always been a hypochondriac. As a little boy, I'd eat my M&M's one by one with a glass of water.
Psychiatrist to his nurse: "Just say we're very busy. Don't keep saying 'It's a madhouse.'"
How many Manic Depressives does it take to screw a
light bulb?
Two. One to screw in the light bulb and one to keep the first one
from sticking his finger in the live socket.
How many paranoids does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Hey! are you following me?!!?
How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?
-Just one, but the light has to really want to change.
-Just one. And his mother.
-Just one, but it takes nine visits.
-None. The light bulb will change itself when it's ready.
-"How many do you think it takes?"
-"How long have you been having this fantasy?"
How many psychology professors does it take to change a
light bulb?
One with two graduate students, but they get three papers out of it.
In the morning each of them says: "120 dollars, please."
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill herself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Have you heard about the psychiatrist who claims that 2 out of every 1 of his patients has a split personality?
More Psych Humor
A Stanford research group advertised for participants in a study of obsessive-compulsive disorder. They were looking for therapy clients who had been diagnosed with this disorder.
The response was gratifying; they got 3,000 responses about three days after the ad came out.
All from the same person.
After just a few years of marriage, filled with constant arguments, a young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try therapy. They had been at each others throats for some time and felt that this was their last straw.
When they arrived at the therapist's office, the therapist jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion. "What seems to be the problem?" Immediately, the husband held his long face down without anything to say. On the other hand, the wife began talking 90 miles and hour describing all the wrongs within their marriage.
After 5 - - 10 - - 15 minutes of listening to the wife, the therapist went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately for a couple of minutes, and sat her back down. Afterwards, the wife sat there - speechless.
He looked over at the husband who was staring in disbelief at what had happened. The therapist spoke to the husband, "Your wife NEEDS that at least twice a week!"
The husband scratched his head and replied, "I can have her here on Tuesdays and Thursdays."
Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of them asked the other, "Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?"
"Outstanding," Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological techniques - visualization, association - it made a huge difference for me."
"That's great! What was the name of the clinic?"
Fred went blank He thought and thought, but couldn't remember. Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns?"
"You mean a rose?"
"Yes, that's it!" He turned to his wife. . ."Rose, what was the name of that clinic?"
Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a bell.
Well, just go home and if the feeling persists, give me a ring.
***
Doctor, doctor, I've only got 59 seconds to live.
Wait a minute please.
***
Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm invisible.
Who said that?!
***
Doctor, doctor, you must help me. I'm under such a lot of stress, I keep losing my temper with people.
Tell me about your problem.
I JUST DID, DIDN'T I, YOU STUPID BASTARD!!!
***
Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I am a set of curtains!
Pull yourself together, man!
***
Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a spoon.
Sit there and stop stirring!
***
Doctor, Doctor, I get the feeling that people don’t give a hoot about anything I say.
So ?
***
Doctor, Doctor, I keep thinking I'm a dustbin.
Don't talk such rubbish.
Doctor, doctor, I feel like a pack of cards.
I'll deal with you later.
***
Doctor, Doctor, I can't stop stealing things.
Take these pills for a week; if that doesn't work I'll have a VCR.
***
Doctor, doctor, nobody understands me.
What do you mean by that?
***
Doctor, I keep thinking I'm a pool ball.
Get to the end of the queue (cue).
***
Doctor, doctor, People keep ignoring me!
Next!
***
Doctor, doctor, people tell me I'm a wheelbarrow.
Don't let people push you around.
***
Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a dog.
Lie down on the couch and I'll examine you.
I can't, I'm not allowed on the furniture.
***
Doctor, doctor, No one believes a word I say.
Tell me the truth now, what's your REAL problem?
***
Doctor, doctor, I keep trying to get into fights.
And how long have you had this complaint?
Who wants to know?
***
Doctor, doctor, I can't concentrate, one minute I'm ok, and the next minute, I'm blank!
And how long have you had this complaint?
What complaint?
***
Doctor, doctor, I think I'm a bridge.
What's come over you?
Oh, two cars, a large truck and a coach.
***
Doctor, doctor, I think I'm a cat.
How long has this been going on?
Oh, since I was a kitten!
Now we're really rolling
"Great news, Mr. Oscarson," the psychiatrist reported. "After eighteen months of therapy, I can pronounce you finally and completely cured of your kleptomania. You'll never be trapped by the desire to steal again."
"Gee, that's great, Doc," the patient replied.
"And just to prove it, I want you to stop by Sears on the way home and walk the length of the store. You'll see - you'll feel no temptation to shoplift whatsoever."
"Oh, Doctor, whatever can I do to thank you?"
"Well," suggested the psychiatrist, "if you DO have a relapse, I could use a new microwave."
Two analysts pass each other in the hall. One says, "Hello."
The other thinks, "I wonder what he meant by that?"
A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage, he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for awhile?"
She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "NO! I won't sleep with you tonight!"
Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She then smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology, and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."
To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?!"
A psychologist returned from a conference in Aspen lodge, where all the psychologists were permitted to ski for free.
Her husband asked her, "How it went?".
She replied, "Fine, but I've never seen so many Freudians slips.
Two psychiatrists meet on the street. One says to the other, "You know, I thought I'd been completely analyzed, but yesterday I experienced the most remarkable Freudian slip.
" The friend nods and waits to hear more....
The first psychiatrist continues, "I was having dinner with my mother, and I meant to say, "Please pass the butter, but instead I said, You miserable bitch, you've ruined my life!"
Two men are in a hot-air balloon. They drift into a dense cloud bank and are stuck there for hours. Finally as they emerge they look around at the ground below in hopes of figuring out their location.
They see a man in a garden and shout down to him.
"Hello down there! Can you tell us where we are?"
"The man below replies, "You're in a hot-air balloon."
The first man looks at his partner and comments, "Just our luck, a psychologist."
The partner asks, "Why do you say he's a psychologist?"
The first man answers, "Well, what he said was obviously true, but it didn't help at all."
When the new patient was settled comfortably on the couch, the physiatrist began his therapy session. "I'm not aware of your problem." the doctor said.
"So perhaps, you should start at the very beginning."
"Of course." replied the patient. "In the beginning, I created the Heavens and the Earth..."
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I have MPD
And so do I.
"For your kindness," the genie said, "I will grant you one wish!" The psychologist paused, laughed, and replied, "I have always wanted a road from Hawaii to California."
The genie grimaced, thought for a few minutes and said, "Listen, I'm sorry, but I can't do that! Think of all the pilings needed to hold up the highway and how long they'd have to be to reach the bottom of the ocean. Think of all the pavement. That's too much to ask."
"OK," the psychologist said, not wanting to be unreasonable. "I'm a psychologist. Make me understand my patients. What makes them laugh and cry, why are they temperamental, why are they so difficult to get along with, what do they really want?
Basically, teach me to understand what makes them tick!"
The genie paused, and then sighed, "Did you want two lanes or four?"
Joe has been seeing a psychologist, someone schooled in psychoanalysis for four years for treatment of the fear that he had monsters under his bed. It had been years since he had gotten a good night's sleep. Furthermore, his progress was very poor, and he knew it. So, one day he stops seeing the psychoanalyst and decides to try something different.
A few weeks later, Joe's former psychologist meets his old client in the supermarket, and is surprised to find him looking well-rested, energetic, and cheerful. "Doc!" Joe says, "It's amazing! I'm cured!"
"That's great news!" the psychologist says. "you seem to be doing much better. How?"
"I went to see another doctor," Joe says enthusiastically, "and he cured me in just ONE session!"
"One?!" the psychoanalyst asks incredulously.
"Yeah," continues Joe, "my new doctor is a behaviorist."
"A behaviorist?" the psychoanalyst asks. "How did he cure you in one session?"
"Oh, easy," says Joe. "He told me to cut the legs off of my bed."
Replies
WOW!!!!!