well praise God I made it through the day.  I realized today that I still have a lot of issues with my mom.  Although I felt extemely bad for her because she was in pain.  I noticed that I shut down I could not deal with it.  I really thought I was going to lose it because my sister went of to class and left me to handle taking care of the situation the thing is I could not stay because of now reception in the hospital.  My mom said just go I started crying then she started crying she does this dont worry about me thing that makes you feel guilty I told she was making me feel worse.  I feel like such an awful person.  I dont think she hurt herself on purpose but I do think she was trying to manipulate my sister and I and in the mist of that was not paying attention to what she was doing.  I really think that the parents I have has helped me deal with my son.  My dad was diagnosed with schzophenia and we know my mom has something but we dont know what.  My sister who is two years younger then me has issues as well and is on meds.  She is extemely antisocial locks herself in her room and does not pay attention to her kids.  My other sister who is 14 years younger has extreme mood swings.  The ironic thing is I am adopted so my son did not inherit any of this from them nor has he had a lot of contact with them with the exception of my youngest sister.To be fair I have been known to have mood swings as well, but that is mainly do to my blood sugar.  It really makes me wonder how much enviroment has to do with mental illness.Makes me wonder what is in my home enviroment.  I have conflicting thoughts because I honestly believe in my heart of all hearts that my son would be much worse if I did not homeschool him for those years.  Then I see him happy at the hospital and its like hmmmmmm.I told my friend last night that when she prays for us pray that this is not my fault I am so afraid it is.  I do want to know if it is but I really dont think I could handle the guilt and shame of screwing up my son's life.Everyone have a good night.  Here is to a better tomorrow. :)Oh tomorrow I have a doctors appointment that I have cancelled twice because of everything going on.  I really hope I make it tomorrow because  I thnk I need to go back on an antidrepressant.  gggggggggggggggrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr Tomorrow night my son has visits so I cant wait for that I hope he is happy to see me. The hospital says he is doing well and that he meant with the doctor around dinner time.  So I will also find out what the game plan is. Ok hopefully I will be able to have a good night sleep or I just might be back to babble on See everyone I am making up for all the days I did not write