This journal entry is all about alex...... and i really feel like writing it because it makes me feel alot better when i express in words how i feel and what's going on instead of trying to sort this shit all out in my head... i need to see it in black and white so i can understand things..... I am so pissed right now it's not even funny!!! we have beeen going out for almost 6 years!!! he FINALLY decides "hey you know what i'm gonna move in with her". but no the minute the uhaual pulled up i could tell there was a distance between us like i was just someone in his life like no one special..... it fucking tore my heart out..... whatever i let the feeling pass and we just started moving all of our stuff into our apartment....... it is what i have ALWAYS wished for was for us to live together in our own place.... so in my mind my dreams came true !!!!!!! so that weekend alex decides he wants to go visit his friends in college..... fine i said go ahead..... he tells me he went to some clubs and got real drunk and he was dancing with a bunch of girls that were rubbing all over his penis like a bunch of little whores!!!!!!!! ok so whatever i let that one go...... so then he tells me hey i'm gonna go work for my mom down in miami this week so i can get some money.... i said ok it's gonna be lonely here in our apartment but thats ok since your going to work whatever.... of course he fucking failed to mention that his friends will be down from college because it's spring break!!!!!!!! that's odd huh???? so he has been hanging out with them practically the whole time... doing a few things for his mom here and there...... so i really don't know the truth into what he is doing...... he doesn't want to stay up here so i think when he comes back on sunday we are going to have a LOOOONG talk.... i think he is going to end up packing up his stuff and going back to miami....... i'm not going to deal with that shit!!!!!!! i need someone here in ocala with me...... i told him tonight on the phone how i felt........ i had such bad anxiety close to having a panic attack when i was talking to him.......... i told him that i think it's really fucked up about what he is doing to me... how he made me feel like all my dreams were comming true and then he just decides on not staying??? what the fuck i do EVERYTHING for him,.......... cook, clean , laundry i buy him what he wants i do whatever he wants i feel so unappreciated and just like a peice of shit! i put soooooo much effort into our relationship and into this apartment.... getting everything he likes and what he wants so he feels comfortable.. the place looks nice but like a bachelor pad!!!!!!! i just don't know what to say to him when he comes back..... i really think the best thing to do is to just end it! he doesn't give me what i need anymore..... he used to..... all i want is to feel loved and like i'm the most important person in the world to someone......i want to feel cherished and appreciated and loved!! why is that sooooooooooo fucking much to ask??? after our conversation i went and worked out for about 2 hours straight....... believe it or not that did not release 1/4 of my anger, anxiety and frustration~~~!!!!!!!!! whatever i just think i need to go to sleep.... hopefully i will be feeling better in the morning!!!!!!!!!