Thinking

I do not know what to do from here. I feel like I am on a ride and it's not stopping for me to get off right at this time. I feel an inevitable ending is unavoidable although my dream would be for things to work out. I just do not think I get what I need out of this relationship. I am trying to think of something to do for myself for once. I do not know what it will be yet. I think maybe a vacation, a class, or just a hobby to do just for me? Suggestions are welcome. I want to be involved at Church more and I miss my friends there (seem to be the only friendly people I know who are not judgmental of me). I do not attend most of the time because I am in a state of grace limbo and I do not know what to do about it. Being with the BF messes up my spiritual life you see because I am Catholic. On the other hand I do not want to marry this BF the way things are at this point. Our history is not so great for the past how many 7 years or so? I think we have broke up more than 100 times. He used to leave me every time we disagreed. Then I began to recognize it coming and I would break up with him to beat him to the punch. I would resign to never go back again this time. I never kept that promise to myself or my son. Over and over I have been through this cycle with this man who says he loves me, can't live without me, and chooses me last for everything. When we break up he is real abusive in his attitude and acts like everything is my fault. he never takes responsibility for any of it. But when he wants to come back or get me back I should say he begins to change his tune and will go so far as to admit that we both are at fault. But many times I feel if I do not do everything his way or how he decides he uses it as a tool to leave me temporarily to go do what he wants instead of compromise or me getting my way sometimes. He always does what he wants, I hardly do what i want. For example when he is gone I go to church all the time, talk to friends, begin to walk, and exercise and do things to better myself. When I am with him those things don't exist anymore because I wait for him constantly. I wait for him to come home, I wait for him (he sleeps all day and works nights) to wake up and go to work, and I can't do my yard work or other things in the daytime that give me physical activity and make me feel good because the lawn mower would make noise in the daytime. So I wait the whole day with nothing to do, then he leaves and I clean house, do dishes, laundry, talk to my son a bit. But i end up feeling like a prisoner in my home. I have to wake him so if i leave he wont wake up for work? Why do i do all this? I feel like I give up all my things and he uses weekends and fills it with his stuff, his kid, grandkids, grown kids, and I waste my days that are free. I do not think this is what I want.