Cry
I just want to feel happiness. It seems like an impossible dream. I feel like my life depends on what someone else does. Is that what love is supposed to be? Or the loss of love?? I hate when he gives me the silent treatment. I hate when he says we will do something then he just does something else like we had no plans. I feel hurt and abandoned in love. I was abandoned my whole life. My own parents didn't care about me. My sisters didn't care. My dog was my only friend and sometimes I had to sleep with him in the backyard because my dad had girls over for sex and told me to leave. I was eleven years old. I had only one pair of pants, a t-shirt, a sweatshirt, and tennis shoes with holes. Kids at school made fun of me. I hated myself especially because my own parents didn't love me. I still feel the pain like it was today. This is why when someone hurts my feelings now it hurts a lot more than it's supposed to, I think. I don't know how to change it or stop it. Maybe I am just damaged good and always will be. Maybe nobody will ever think I am a person worth being. Maybe I hate this life and it will never change. I sometimes do not want to be here at all anymore. I think about dying a lot and wish I could many more times. I think about the boy in the room next to me right now who's life is just beginning and who depends on me because we are alone and have no family. That is the only reason I sit here and keep living.
Replies
oh so painful (((((HUGS)))) Your childhood may be why you put up with so much thats just awful...mine wasn\'t great but I did have more stability than that! We are all worth love and often its hard to see or believe.... Your son loves you just as you are and yes he needs you to be here and taking care of you! Letting go may be hard but you may never move forward hanging onto what this BF has to offer....if he changed and progressed and maybe admitted some fault maybe just maybe there was hope but he does not see to do that! I hope you have better days and my main suggestion is take care of just you and your son.... There is a quote forget the exacts but its goes something like this why do people do the same thing over and over and expect change? Sometimes we must look outside the box to move forward!
I know exactly how you feel because I\'ve been there. You sound so sad and it breaks my heart because you are hurting. It may be time to stand up for yourself and go after the life you want and deserve. The first thing I did was get a great therapist so that you have a support system in place and a safe place to express how you feel. Then, when I was in your shoes, I began to feel like maybe I deserved more and maybe I could make changes in my life with that goal in mind. You can\'t change the past (your parents, the bullies at school, or your childhood) but you can change all the todays. If you.have a therapist or you get one, you will work on a plan to get to where you really wish you could be. It may take time, and small steps, but you can do it. You deserve to be happy and not settle for less. You\'ll discover that family doesn\'t have to be your biological family. Family is the people who love you and support you. There is a better life out there for you, please think about taking a step in that direction and making the necessary changes in your life to rid your life of toxic people. ((HUGS))