The holidays are going surprisingly easy.  Thanksgiving wasn't as traumatic as I thought it would be!  I brought up my brother at dinner and said "God rest you, Markee" without even breaking down crying, and no one else broke down either.  My mom broke down crying today when she was entering snippets of fond memories for a scrapbook that my sister Lori is putting together to commemorate our dear departed brother.  My mom says it hits her like a ton of bricks (as it does me), and, when I'm there with her, I cry with her.  I'm learning to incorporate the hurt into my life.  I just let the tears flow when they need to, and, after about 10 minutes of crying, I always feel better and ready to take on the world again.  I tell my mom to not fight the tears but embrace them, and I think she is.  I never see my dad cry (maybe he's not the type) but he also had a lot of fond memories of Markee for the journal, and his memories stimulated more of my memories, so I promptly ran home and e-mailed Lori with the latest batch.  This journal is probably going to be a multi-volume set, with a new volume to come out every year--all of us have so many wonderful memories of Markee!

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deleted_user
deleted_user

I\'m glad that you are able to cry and let all that pain out. I bet your father would feel better if he did the same. I cry a lot, and it wears me out at the time, but later on, it does make me feel better. Otherwise I think I would explode if I held it all inside.
I think that is a wonderful idea that you and your family are doing a journal about your precious brother. If I wrote one, saying all the things about my brother, it would be never ending. I\'m glad you are there for your Mom and sis; you are a wonderful brother and son. ~~~HUGS~~~
Take care,
donna
deleted_user
deleted_user

Thanks, Donna. Yeah, sometimes it feels like there\'s a neverending wellspring of tears for me. I\'m sure my dad cries in private; he\'s just not socially comfortable doing that in public. Thanks as always for the kind words.
deleted_user
deleted_user

Had a family reunion last night. My mom finally called her sister Ruth, whom we haven\'t seen in probably 10 years (Ruth had a big disagreement with their father and Ruth hasn\'t spoken to their father since), and we had a nice dinner at 84 Diner. Ruth lost her best friend to cancer about two months after my brother died of the same, so she knows exactly what my family and I have been going through. She\'s a nurse, so she tries to be \"clinical\" and emotionally detached, but she and her daughter Kelly came back from the restroom, Kelly was crying, so I could see that Ruth had been crying too. My uncle Gary\'s ex-wife is dying of leukemia, and he still has fond feelings of friendship toward her, so it\'s tough on him too. He\'s got diabetes and heart disease, but appeared to be in good spirits last night and we had a lot of laughs. He\'s finally retired, and he and his wife Mary have been driving all around the country enjoying the sights (good for them!). Felt kinda empty with regards to talking about my brother, no tears, just NOTHING, and that bothers me. It\'s like being in the black pit of hell. But everyone was very supportive and it was a nice time. Hope you all are well.
deleted_user
deleted_user

Thanks, Donna. Hang in there, sweetie! I\'m here for ya!