The wedding biz has picked up again, which is great (it's easy money). I suppose I feel kinda lonely, but no more so than when my brother was alive (our work schedules didn't coincide too much so we didn't get to hang out with each other as often as we would've liked to). I'd like to get involved with a lady again, but it seems there are so many women who are way more depressed than I am, and, perhaps it's the ol' selfish human survival mechanism kicking in again, but I'm finally getting my head and heart screwed on straight, and don't want to get dragged down into their shit. I love responding to you hurting ladies on these sites, and I hope I'm making useful suggestions that are helping, but I'm not sure I want to be around someone who is depressed 24-7 (I don't even like MYSELF when I'm depressed!). We all have emotions; I guess it's a matter of finding someone whose emotions match mine. But emotions keep changing. I guess you could say that I don't really know what the hell I want in a relationship, so perhaps I'm better off staying out of relationships! Of course I want to be with someone who stimulates my loins sexually and vice versa; when we look at each other, there should be a volcano of lust brewing! And, in addition to hot sex, there should be undercurrents of passion, love, understanding, caring, with a monogamous commitment (I'm not into screwing around) but not so head-over-heals in love that we're immediately talking marriage and kids (can't financially afford kids, and marriage...I gotta live with someone for at least two years, get to know her and let her get to know me, before I dive into marriage). I suppose I need to talk with more ladies in my local area...there have got to be a lot of women who share these same kind of thoughts...it's not romantic, I know, but I'm telling the truth here, and I've gotten pragmatic in my old age! I know my own mind and my own energy level and how much stress I can withstand. Don't want to have a heart attack, develop cancer or some other chronic deadly illness, so I've got my life simple, to the point where it works, and, generally, I feel really good, just a bit lonely at times! The ladies that I've been attracted to haven't been attracted to me (or perhaps I haven't pursued them aggressively enough--my last girlfriend's complaint) and vice versa. I know I'm gonna have to take a chance, a personal risk here, let the "animal" out, and throw my lust and emotion into somebody to see if something good becomes of it, if I don't want to continue living in this purgatory (it's not hell but it's not heaven either), so we'll see what today holds...
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This journal entry has to do with work. I\'m dealing with some real knuckleheads in order to make a buck. I do wedding and bar/bat mitzvah videos, which is hardly what I thought I\'d be doing for a career by this point in my life (I thought I\'d be directing movies), and I subcontract through other companies so as not to have to deal with whacky families directly. Little did I know that I\'d be dealing with whacky videographers instead. This particular guy was so obsessed with contrast range and other technical issues that this sapped out whatever creative joy there was in the work for me. This company has me booked for two more jobs, and I\'m gonna try to make this guy happy, but if he\'s not on the second job, I\'m gonna politely say \"I\'m not a good fit for you.\" and \"Please don\'t call me anymore.\" For the money they\'re paying, I have way less finnicky vendors that I\'d rather be dealing with. Ahhh...what we go through to make a buck...but the alternative is working in a boring office somewhere doing clerical duties for way less money, and, if I had to do that 52 weeks a year, I\'d REALLY be depressed. Still, I want to deal with intelligent, rational people who understand the rigors of this rushed \"run-and-gun\" kind of production and don\'t expect perfection. And, frankly, I looked at this guy\'s footage, and, while he nailed the exposure, his movements were shaky and looked like Uncle Bob America\'s Funniest Home Video footage, so I don\'t know what he\'s got to bitch about. These are the people I have to cow-tow to. Sorry to vent, folks...