Working as temp for 3 weeks at Tyco (by far, the longest temp assignment I've gotten).  I'm assisting the maintenance crew with changing lightbulbs and air-fresheners in the bathrrooms, and assisting the mail room in delivering packages to various employees throughout the 10-floor building.  The money's rolling in, slowly but surely, and the conversations with co-workers keep my mind off the big cosmic issues of life and death.  I've purposely tried NOT to bring up my brother's death to anyone, because I myself don't want to talk about it anymore, and because nobody else seems to care.  I'd rather remember how my brother LIVED, which is more important anyway.  How trivial "work-a-day" life is by comparison.  I see a lot of other people suffering in a different way than grief in the corporate world; they're suffering from BOREDOM and STRESS.  I can see that their jobs are killing them, physically and spiritually, a little bit every day.  Human beings were not meant to sit in little cubicles sifting through endless complex forms and dealing with matters that they don't care about.  Working in the corporate world for 20 years would give ANYONE a terminal disease!  The corporate world is NOT for me.  An artist, the procedures and regulations kill my soul.  Thank God I've got an artistic business to fall back on that handsomely pays the bills most of the year.  I'd probably kill myself (or others) if I had to do a boring job like this 40 hours a week, 52 weeks a year.  It feels good to comingle with co-workers anyway, and talk about whatever THEY want to talk about.  I'm very much keeping my brother alive, in my mind and soul, and I feel like he's there, giving me the strength to go on, the anger to say "no" to stress that I don't want in my life, and the passion to embrace the love and excitement that I DO want.  I met a couple of ladies who seem interested in me.  I'm not sure if I'm ready for a relationship, but I'm getting there.  I want to look objectively (if there is such a thing in a relationship) at any new person I meet, rather than looking at them through a veil of pain.  Meanwhile, it feels good to flirt, get an erection and feel "like a man", i.e. strong and virile yet caring and compassionate.  As much as life "as I knew it" is over, I truly and with all my heart hope that a new life is in fact just beginning.  I have no choice but to believe that this grievous loss of my brother, my confidante and soul-mate, is only making me a better human being for the wonderful life that simply awaits my soul's embrace.