(sigh)...One day at a time, folks. My usual sunny disposition has been completely turned upside-down. In my brother, I had the best friend a guy could have in the entire world and the person who anchored me emotionally. I miss our Subway lunches that we would eat at his warehouse when he was working on a car project, or the funny movies we'd watch together and would later quote funny lines, or the golf safaris we'd do with our dad on Sundays, or the steak cookouts we'd have with the fam and his delightful daughter (who is also crushed at this point) or schmorgasbords of a sausage, bean, tomato and onion concoction we called "fart stew". No matter what kind of craziness was going on around us, between insane work schedules and relationships with the opposite sex, my brother and I could hang out, talk about these issues and our lives and feel completely comfortable with each other, no matter how much time or distance had passed. Now that he's gone, I've lost that warmth and comfort, and it's been replaced by doubt, fear and uncertainty. Part of my brother's problems (and the reason he didn't get medical attention soon enough) were financial, and I think of my own financial situation as being not too different; working mostly free-lance, I'm about two months from being bankrupt. My brother's untimely death has certainly put a lot of fear in me, and I'm working more now, temping, looking for steady work, etc., doing whatever I have to do to experience some real financial cush. The emotional cush is not there though, and it's really tough to go out and conquer the world when one doesn't feel comfortable in their own skin. So I try to be warm and sociable with co-workers, in the hopes of attracting a female soul-mate to be close with, or even a close male friend who is sympathetic to my situation or is perhaps going through the same thing. It's going slowly to say the least. I had trouble meeting people even when I was happy! Now that I'm battling depression/anxiety, it's deuce-difficult: The average person (myself included--guilty--before I was faced with the death of a loved one) wants to hustle their way through life, and no one wants to be burdened by a sad, depressed soul. I guess that's why I'm here, as a way to socialize with others who are similarly going through grief.