Still...

Still love and miss you. I had my first real Holiday without you. I survived. We put up the tree and it was as I feared....like something was missing. Even the 5 year old stopped and got a piece of paper and drew a picture of her and the ES with the words...Come Back. How can that not just cut you like a knife. I have no way of giving it to her as the lil one has asked. I don't understand and the uncertainty just turns into anger. Then I have to regroup and try to forgive all over again. I know you have to forgive to go on. Not for the other person but for myself or I could go insane. Each day just say I forgive her and know she doesn't want to be there and to make the best of our day. Then I look at us and wonder what is wrong with us that we couldn't be wanted. We did it all for you. All the counseling anything you wanted to talk to me about I would listen all the talks of how we were not always going to agree. All the lies to manipulate me to think we saw eye to eye when it was only you looking to see how I worked so I could be played.