...been a subdued, stressed few days...seems Valentine's Day just came and went...usu., I enjoy it, so much--know that everyone else did, so it was worth all of the effort...but, I felt nothing... Must be the job loss threat, looming ahead...am now going through everyone's resumes in the place, trying to do updates for my boss, before I have to leave...on Wed., the utility guy came to "shut off our power," around lunchtime...seems our business' meter was "mis-labeled" w/the other, next door & someone was up for a shutdown, due to non-payment...never been at a place where that has happened... The project that I chewed my nails over was--w/o my being informed--passed off to another tech, who works for the co., but is between projects, at the moment...now, he comes to ME and asks ?'s, as to why I did/didn't do such-and-such a certain way...on the plus side, he had all of the same concerns that my boss never answered when I was trying to solve those issues...on the downside--for me, anyway--he has the intuition to eventually figure out how to solve such things on his own and move on...sadly, I see why I wasn't ask to do final corrections and finish the project...part of me tells myself to quit grousing and let the damned thing go...another part of me feels like I've failed to deliver...it's like swallowing cold lead, either way: I feel heavy, but empty, at the same time...and I dread going through the resume "bin" process, yet again...what if the unemployment lasts another 2 to 3 years, like last time? People will think that I'm some sort of unemployable freak! (snap!...really?) As a twist, my mo. arrival is now over a week late, plus I have the physical pain/symptoms w/o the "results." In addition, my change-o-life temperature swings (thankfully, still internal w/no "visible" sweating) have me dashing outside at odd moments, to get some real "air." In short, when I see myself passing by a mirror, I've seldom "felt" uglier...I don't "look" so hot, either. Just now, I truly wish that I was in a fairy tale that I COULD write a happy ending to...I could feel my way out of this stagnant "FOG" and do something concrete.
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