NO ENRAGED CRISES--OR SWEARING--TODAY...I promise!  And, I TRULY HOPE that I didn't offend anyone w/my lingo-ranting, a few entries back...I just feel so overboiled and frustrated and hurt...sometimes, I feel so angry inside that I can hardly breathe.  Swearing--even if it's on paper--helps put me back into some equilibrium...must be that horrible anglo-saxon blood in me (ha-ha!)...if I ranted like that around the people that I love and live with, they'd be so wounded (as they wound themselves, every day, it seems to me, like...) that the rift would become permanent...when you've lived around people that you've known for over 40+ years, there are some things that you just never chance... Well, payday was yesterday...I still plan to give $300.00 to those poor folks whose yard I ran across...but, our co. is so small that holidays & days off aren't paid & the chunk out of my 2-wk $600+ check was over $200...looks like I will have to wait until NEXT payday, to make up the difference...I did get the address, though, and it comes down to 1 of 2 family names...I just need to figure out from this year's directory which family to address the $300.00 to...y'know, I have to pass by that house, every day, on my way to work--which is thankfully snow- and ice-free, at the moment--and, I shudder every time I see those tire track rills that I put into their lawn :>0  I'm thankful, too, that Sis was not with me, that morning (she had insomnia, so she slept in)...she would never have gotten into the car w/me, again... Been having some interesting dreams...went to do the free Tickle site tests & it seems that a lot of my anxieties have to do w/trying to maintain my self-reliance, after re-joining the family...my fear of the future, too, continues as prevalent, as ever...I need a private lift...I need to weld myself into some self-change and make it stick, this time...I'm feeling too old to want to try, any more...mustn't go there... So, right now, I'm just trying to focus on some winter cleaning/organization, for myself, as well as the rest of the house...Sis and I, too, are planning the garden--flowers and veggies--for spring.  My supervisor, turns out, loves plants, so we are planning on doing a few planters in the front--w/colors that we hope will match the co. logo--and some potted veggies along the building's back patio...as our house got a little crowded w/plants, inside, we took a few to work...it really helps me...it's like a little bit of the house as a touchstone, right there, while I'm working... I'm not mad at my supervisor, any more, over my last project...although, in classic style, nothing's been resolved...my CAD partner and I are still awaiting final changes on the package & time's awasting...I believe that the final due date is around the 1st of FEB...even though I'm overly slow and nit-picky, I hate the hurry-up-and-wait/wait-and-hurry-up system that I seem to encounter no matter what job I take!  Therefore, the fault must be with me.  As usu., everyone counsels me to just relax and let it happen...my inner guts tell me, otherwise:  I can't rest, until something's off of my plate and out the door...I got slammed and hurt too many time, at my last places of work, otherwise...still, it seems that I have no choice...that's the only wiggling fly in the ointment that has been distracting me...otherwise, it's one of the nicer places that I've ever worked...and, don't get me wrong:  I am very grateful!  I'm much better off, spiritually, than I was 1 year ago... I did get an e-mail from my bf...it didn't say much, but I sensed between the lines that "we" are very testy that I didn't make it up for New Years, to be w/him...plus, with what sounded like an exhasted voice, he said he couldn't come down to see me, until the snows melted and the weather grew warmer (well, geez, I wouldn't expect any less...I know how much he loves his m-cycle & our weather has been unpredictable, across the state)...plus, he didn't even bother to sign the email w/any sort of closing...it just "ended"...so, yes, I am of 2 minds...On the one hand, we are pretty good, together, by ourselves w/o too much outside interaction from either of our families...not that I mind family interaction on a social basis, but my bf DOES...On the other hand, my family--warts and all--are the people that I love, the ones of my blood who truly understand me...I'm not going to freeze my bf out, just to suit them, because being w/him suits ME; on the other hand, I'm not going to freeze my family out, just to suit my bf, either, because my family doesn't deserve that kind of hurt...plus--as I may have stated--my co. is pretty small, so any days off aren't paid, and I can't affort that, right now...So, I guess his curt behavior has to do with not wanting to be bothered, but missing me at the same time...again, that ball is not in my court....my bf will just have to "keep dealing" w/things, and find his own satisfaction...y'know, it's been nearly 25 years, since we've known each other...I wouldn't be surprised if this continued situation kills our relationship...I would be heartbroken if that happened, but I'm not foolish enough to believe that nothing ever changes and that everything lasts forever...again--you bet--I'm going w/my gut on that one...still, our future together seems foggy...my head and heart can't quite decide what to make of it... Ok, I've gas-bagged enough!  Must go to dinner, so everyone take care, God Bless & if you read this, THANK YOU for caring!  Even an "electronically remote" connection is a blessing...;>)