Again, haven't written...worried about Mom. She's getting more physically infirm... And, for the last couple of weeks, now, has had a very hard time remembering things.  She is concerned, and I see true despair and dread in her eyes... I gently, but "concernedly" offered to research someone in the area that she could make an appt. with & we would go see them, together, to see if this is going to turn into yet another sad inevitability for her...but, she hesitated, then said, "No..."  I tried very hard not to cry, or to overly-push the issue...but, I felt like acid and lead, inside.   Mom took my Dad to her former surgeon, last week [Dad recently had his colonoscopy checkup, and they found a polyp (benign, thank God!) so this surgeon removed it].  When the surgeon called back, today, to ask how my Dad was following up, she could recall the surgeon's name, but not "who" he was... On top of it, my mom's been on anti-cancer medication--arimidex--since NOV '03, after she had emergency breast cancer surgery (she had to have her left breast removed; there were no lumps, only cancerous cells that settled into her breast tissue channels).  1.5 weeks ago, she had her "final" cancer checkup + her mammogram, and it "looked" like this was the last time she would have to take arimidex.  Everything looked like a green light (good mammogram, blood test, etc.)...then, our "stupid" hospital called back & said they "thought" they saw some "lumps," so, again, they will have to do a mammogram + an ultrasound...the latter means laying down, which my mom can't do w/her DISH condition...which means, a muscle relaxant...which means, my dad will have to look after her, immediately before and after the exam.  I don't wish to be unkind, but unless you are an engine, or a lab experiment, my dad will offer no bedside manner, whatsoever...that's how his stupid family was "raised," it seems (I saw enough of that from G.M., anyway, while she was still alive).  So, I am trying to "jimmy" myself into the appt. hour...but, my mom won't tell me when it is & while she usu. writes appts. into her daybook, she hasn't written this one down. Damn, I'm so frightened for Mom...and, I am in pain that I will not measure up to the true care that she needs...it's pretty obvious that the rest of the family would prefer the sidelines on this one...I feel so very alone, at home, now.  There truly is no one else to speak w/about this, except Mom and I each other.  Why is it that my mom and I are always the ones to get our emotional hands dirty?  'Cause, there truly is no one else to speak w/about this, except each other...that's not really being a family, is it?  Sis plugs into her laptop & Dad runs off to his room & shuts the door, every night...how is that being a family?  Isn't a family supposed to at least "try" to stick together BEFORE a crisis starts "looming?" My biggest nightmare is that my Dad will "feel" that he has to stick her into a local facility, here; I promised her that I wouldn't let that happen, because only the ultra-expensive facilities, here, have 1/2way decent care; the rest have been cited and cited, over and over, again, by the state; it might sound heartless, but I'd rather Mom passed away @ home, if she has to, rather than go through that hell.  And, I HATE to say it, but I truly know that my dad doesn't have the "stick-to-it" focus that my mom would have for him, if the tables were turned...what would I have to do, legally, to over-ride his decision, if it came down to something like that?  Would I win, as the daughter, or would he win, as the spouse, because he's the spouse? These are things I've never frankly discussed w/my dad; my mom gently advised me not to--and, of course, not to worry--because it would only hurt and make my dad feel more alienated....guess I should speak to our attny., then, or to a referral, if there's a conflict of interest, because after noticing how my dad's relations treated each other when he was growing up, I don't wish to take any chances. I prob. make my dad sound like an ogre; he's not; but, he's also not strong and he's prone to look after himself, the most--he'd freely tutor you, 24-7, to help you in school, or gain any employment; he'd also give you any amount of cash, as long as you put forth 60%, into a hard venture...but, he is not good w/people and has no wish to be...and, sadly, that includes his wife...I can think of past instances, where he's really let Mom down, in medical emergencies, w/sulky behavior...of course that's my mom's cross to bear, and I can't afford to think of that, right now, but it haunts me...time really is running out...I need a solution... Please...pray for my mom...as much as it would break my heart, I'd rather she went quickly and soundlessly in her sleep, w/o any further pain, than to have to go through any living nightmare... I am just so sad for her...I truly feel that I'm losing one of my best friends...